(Yes, this is sarcasm. If you don’t “get” sarcasm, it’s best not to read this one.)
Hey ladies and gentlemen; seize your cigarettes, pipes, cigars and any other implements of nicotine delivery that come to mind. By doing so, you can stop the spread of the stupidity that has now taken over the world in full-force.
Didn’t you hear the news? It is now recommended that we all start smoking or continue to do so, depending on the situation. This has been proven to totally work when it comes to the spread of that elusive invisible enemy we call “The THANG.” (For those who are new to this madness, that is my nickname for the alleged virus that has led to the alleged pandemic that is allegedly sweeping the alleged world as we allegedly speak.)
‘Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em,’ is the new recommendation from those officials who we seem to adore so much! You know, the ones who ALL seem to be attached to a profit motive when it comes to an alleged cure for the alleged THANG? The same people who have had governmental positions for a thousand years, give or take. Those are the people of whom I speak.
The act of smoking, combined with the other recommendations, mandates, rules, regulations, etc., listed below will stop this hideous creature from invading your life.
Another mandate is that hence forth on Thursdays at noon, we must all saunter to the town square or to a local park. We must not dash, run, jog, skip or walk briskly. It is HIGHLY recommended that sauntering is the one and ONLY method one should utilize when it comes to arriving safely at that town center or park. (After all, those in charge truly care about us. This is clearly about protecting the citizens of this globe from an illness because, well, they care! Just ask the residents of Flint Michigan, for one example, just how much any government gives a toot, but I digress.)
Once there we must do the hokey pokey and turn ourselves about cuz that’s what it’s all about. This has also been effective when it comes to stopping the spread of this atrocious horrid disease we call “The THANG.”
When carrying out the above-mentioned dance, it is not only recommended but it is demanded that women must wear polka dot tops and plaid slacks. Men can only don black trousers and blue shirts. The shoe recommendation will be listed further down in this piece.
For some reason, The THANG is not attracted to those particular patterns and colors. Groups of four at a time only, please. Any gathering over four is simply an invitation for “it” to strike, without warning.
If you are used to dressing in matching shoes, forget the address, as Mother would say. It has now been passed down from Mount Olympus that we are to wear shoes that do not go together because that act alone could be our savior.
Of course it is absolutely mandated that these other measures be carried out as well but, if you can only do ONE of them, due to financial or other reasons, it’s the shoe RITUAL that REALLY counts. In fact, if you refuse, you will be given a stiff fine the first time, followed by jail time for any offenses thereafter. This can all occur without any laws being passed as, well, because of the emergency scenario in which we find ourselves. YIKES! Please protect me.
You see, this THANG of which I speak is super intelligent. It knows when 10 or more are gathered, it can stop at certain state lines, it can manifest itself “bigly” here in Uncle Sam whilst remaining rather docile in the country from which it allegedly originated. It can also sense when someone is only picking up take out food from a local eatery. For some reason it doesn’t seem to bother with the restaurant when it comes to the act of actually seizing the food and dashing out the door, but God help us if we are to gather inside of the restaurant. (Maybe it’s the to go containers that protect us?) Perish that thought. Experts say that this is one smart cookie—I mean THANG, of course.
We must listen to the experts because they are ALWAYS right. Gee, don’t you know anything? I mean take Neil Ferguson for one example—that guy from across the pond. He’s the one who came out initially and said that something like a gazillion people would DIE from this. He used a computer model because that’s all the rage now. Actual experiments and pesky things like following Koch’s Postulates in order to determine if an “item” is the cause of a disease are out the door! Don’t you know anything? Now we simply base all decisions on “reliable” computer models. (Those who used to live in New York City but cannot any longer, since it’s under water and all, can certainly relate to the importance of computer models. Al Gore saved your life by relying on one!)
This Ferguson fellow was right. A GAZILLION people either “have” this or have keeled over dead FROM it! (My producer is tapping me on the shoulder here, one minute please....)
Oh, er, turns out this fellow was way off in his projections and then later got caught going against the rules when it came to forced physical separation too. Good thing I have a producer to set me straight on these matters.
(Here he is again—I mean the producer...What’s that you say? New York City is NOT under water?)
Well it turns out that these computer models just might be a bit off but nonetheless, it’s better to be safe than sorry. If we can save even a half of a life by following that list of recommendations above, then I, for one, am willing to do it. I shall virtue signal my way into the history books. After all I am protecting YOU by being a zombie order follower. No need to praise me though—well, go ahead now that I ponder.
Not only will I do it but I will SHAME publicly, or in any other way, any person with whom I come into contact who is NOT following the rules. Geez Louise ladies and gents, we have to follow the rules and listen to the leaders. I am not going to let my fellow citizens get away with breaking the mandates. I highly suggest that you do the same.
If you see anyone wearing matching shoes, confront them and quickly. It has been scientifically proven that The THANG adores matching shoes but has an aversion to those that don’t match. Come on! Just DO it. (In fact, it’s best if you wear one high heel and one flat, if - See Rant page 11
Rant - from page 3
you are a lady, of course. Men are exempt from the high and low scenario but it would help if they had a boot with a bit of a “lift” to it, worn in conjunction with a more “level” shoe.)
If you’ve heard in the past that wearing shoes of differing “heights” can lead to back pain and problems with the skeletal system in general, worry not as this is fake news and is totally false. It’s perfectly safe to go around off balance like that as it has absolutely NO ramifications in terms of health, or even balance. You won’t fall over whilst sauntering to the town square or park, is my point. You are plain silly and a science denier if you think otherwise. Where do you come up with these objections? In closing, and I can feel your strong exhales at this time, I will again implore you to listen to the experts on this one. Not only should we all heed their every warning and follow their every instruction to a tee, but we should give serious consideration to worshiping graven images of the “white lab coat wearers.” It does not matter if this is against your religion either. You WILL do this and you WILL enjoy it. Exemptions be dammed!
These gods are in NO way influenced by political ambitions nor are they inclined to follow the establishment in terms of their thought patterns. Of course they were not funded by the PIC (Pharmaceutical Industrial Complex) either! Where do you get these notions? You are indeed a SCIENCE DENIER to an extreme degree.
Until we gather again to do the hokey pokey, I bid you a fond farewell.
PS - The only proven way to really stop the THANG is to turn off the TV and look around you. Attempt to engage with the real world. Refuse to take in information from total strangers. Ask yourselves important questions. For instance: What does the term “more cases” mean? Does that mean there are more deaths? Just how are they testing something that has not lived up to their own standards when it comes to identifying infectious and contagious “dis ease”?? Have these same people fibbed to me in the past? Why should I trust individuals and entities that benefit financially from the “cure”? Shouldn’t I be following the money? Why is Bill Gates never challenged? Is he funding some of the “health” organizations? Does he have a direct connection to those who we deem to be health experts or leading experts? Why is Bill Gates even involved in this at all? Isn’t he a computer geek? Wouldn’t a focus on clean water and better living conditions be more beneficial than “jabbing” everyone on the planet? Why are there NO dissenting voices permitted to appear on the corporate PIC backed “news” of the day? Who funds the “news” for the most part? Would I even know there was a “killer THANG” going around if I hadn’t been told about it non-stop for six months? Does ONE microscopic “item” lead to every symptom? Do “costumes” really stop anything from penetrating them other than blood and maybe some spit? Are studies about this being purposely hidden or “debunked”? Didn’t around 10 million people end up having TB last year and if so, why didn’t we hear of this? HMMMM.
THE END (cvpandemicinvestigation.com, “War is a Racket,” by General Smedley Butler, “Virus Mania,” by journalist Torsten Engelbrecht and doctor of internal medicine Claus Köhnlein, Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s “Children’s Health Defense,” online at childrenshealthdefense.org)