As I type this absolutely titillating column, I have clothing hanging outside on the “cat run,” in the laundry room, in the bathroom, near the kitchen and in other regions of the home. Reason being is our dryer broke down directly after I returned from camping the other week. I was able to get one load done with heat and then BOOM—it decided to just blow cold air. This makes ONE thing in this house that only blows cold air but I digress.
Moving along, I had an adventure during my first official camping trip in five years and I'm here to share with you until you reach for a strong drink or other pleasurable hallucinogenic. (By the by, “official” in this case means at a REAL campground and not in the driveway or in Colleen Nye's yard.) Actually I can't hit on all the details (stop exhaling) but will give some key points here for your reading pleasure or pain.
We left off last time with my telling you that a camping gig was in my near future and also how I'd been prepping for it for some time. What I didn't know at the time was that Pumpkin (sister Jill) was staying a whole week. She generally can only stay through Thursday or some such but this time she stayed for the week. My trip was to take place on Friday and she left Saturday so it wasn't that bad really. Was it?
I also had no clue that Brother Blaine was going to surprise the family and arrive. I did mention in my last piece that he was here, etc., blah, blah. Even though I hadn't made reservations, (for the first time ever), at the state park, I didn't really want to change the plans as they had been postponed prior to this as well.
The siblings turned out to be quite helpful at that time as there were some “pre-camp” issues leading to my eventual departure. My glasses broke, which I mentioned last week, and they got me BRAND NEW ones! That warrants one of these: !! or maybe two. There were a few other things as well but who really cares? I'm now inching along to all the excitement that happened over in Ohio at Pymatuning State Park.
Mother, Pumpkin and BB (Brother Blaine) followed me over just to be certain that I could back my trailer into the spot as it had been years since I tried. After all, Mother is an expert at maneuvering trailers into spots across the land—Yes, I'm being a smart “arse.” (When I say “trailer” I mean a little cargo-type deal that hooks up to Edna, the van.)
After I backed “Earl” into place after just ONE attempt (totally true, I'm even shocked) we said our tearful goodbyes and off they went.
Even though the trailer says: “Camp Lonesome Dove Supplies” on the front, I have decided to name it Earl. I'm digressing here, fair warning. You see, my van Edna is named after a few things, one of which is a Basset Hound for whom I cared when I worked at the River Oaks Animal Hospital in Houston. Edna (the dog) had a companion named Earl who was madly in love with her but Edna didn't really give him the time of day. They were SO precious and I have carried on their memory by naming the van Edna and now the cargo “thing” is called Earl. Isn't that adorable? Earl is always “chasing” after Edna whilst traveling down the road—get it? OK I didn't think so.
The very first thing that unfolded after the tearful departure was that I tripped over the parking “stop,” deal, thingy, curb, whatever, whilst carrying my cooler, resulting in my meeting the asphalt and quickly. I'm not making this up. Within five minutes of saying adios to the “fam,” I was lounging on the HARD surface of the camping region; my fall was broken by said cooler in hand(s). I haven't really told Mother this and waited until my last night at camp to let Perpetual (fiance of 92 years) in on the secret.
Eventually I got things squared away and arranged, to the best of my limited abilities. Keep in mind that the last time I did this I would have been under fifty years of age. I didn't go crazy with decorations like I used to do but put up the mandatory “Camp Lonesome Dove” sign, complete with night twinkle lights, between two trees and I erected a large peace sign flag. I also find it necessary to jam a small dragonfly flag (only 2 inches by 3 at most) into the ground to “stake my claim.” Leprechauns know to steer clear when they see this flag since they'd be the only ones short enough to notice. (For those who know Perpetual in real life, stop with the thoughts of short jokes. We all know P is short but he's powerful!)
Late Friday evening some rain came a callin' but it wasn't any huge deal. I always cover up Earl when I get to a destination and make sure the firewood and other supplies stay dry. Speaking of firewood, the usual place where I buy this is now closed and I did not know this. I was told that it was still open but it was not. I had to get last-second wood at a different place and I think it will be ready for real usage by next spring.
By the time Saturday morning rolled around, things were looking pretty good. I enjoyed some quality reading time in one of my 87 hammocks, even though the wind was so fierce that I could hear the hammock trees creaking wildly. By 3 pm, it wasn't looking too hot or feeling too hot either, now that I ponder.
The rain began to fall with speed and agility at some point that afternoon, which had me more or less stranded IN Edna. Generally when I camp, she is my bedroom and most all other festivities are carried out in the great outdoors. Clearly I knew I'd have to spend more time in the “belly of the beast” this time though.
In between the raindrops I decided to erect a makeshift tailgate tarp kind of thing. I guess canopy would be the word for which I'm looking? This was quite hilarious as I was doing all of this whilst balancing on the bumper of Edna and using my bungee cords O plenty to secure this device to the sides and the top of the van. When all was said and done there was a gap between her back and where it attached but it was good enough for me to stand under for cooking and stretching purposes.
The rain and the wind were HIDEOUS at this point and the gap was getting to be a PITA (pain in the *** - don't clutch pearls). I then took a large umbrella and shoved it in the gap area and put it in the “up” position. This worked for some time as I made sure to secure it with yet another bungee to the inside of the van. No matter how well I had this in place, it was not prepared for 27 mph wind gusts, which were happening right and left. Needless to say it was like something out of a movie when the umbrella turned inside out and then broke into several pieces.
I actually saved said bumbershoot in order to wedge Edna's one back door open, as when it closes, I can't get out. I can only open it from the outside.
FINALLY when the weather permitted me to do so, I was able to REALLY secure that tarp with NO gap at all. Just give me a tarp, clothes pins and bungee cords with some tent pegs thrown in for good measure and I will have you living in DRY conditions.
Earlier that day I had made the decision to not depart the campground on Sunday, which was the original plan. You see, I always check the weather before leaving for my destination but did not do so this time. However, I was able to check eventually and discovered that Monday was going to be terrific in terms of NO precipitation of ANY kind. (It also snowed over there.)
I can't take hauling stuff that is wet and then trying to find a place for it to dry, here in this shoe box we call home. I also gathered that the weather was going to be socially acceptable beginning on Sunday late afternoon so I'd be able to have another campfire. I could only have one on Friday at that point. The fire pit had been covered up wildly with, you guessed it, a tarp all through Saturday and most of Sunday, to be on the safe side. I was able to enjoy a fire on Sunday night even when it began to snow very lightly.
Gee, I might have to make this a two-part series or something. I didn't realize how much I was going on and on and on here but I'm on a roll.
Let me try and finish this right now—and I apologize for the length of the column plus the “non segue” ending—actually you should be used to that by now. The bottom line is even though I didn't really want to stay the extra night, I'm glad I did. I was able to really get things organized and not be forced to cover Earl for traveling purposes. I was able to arrive home with things filed away in an orderly manner. There were no soaking wet tarps or other camp items strewn to and fro or any of that jazz. (I love the word strewn as it's a Mother fave.)
I hope to try again in November at some point and will keep you posted on those plans, as is my nature. I must end this and right now. Again, I ask you to refrain from your sighs of relief as several cats have been swept up in the breeze and have been spotted over Shermansville.
THE END (Interstate Crosscheck, AIPAC lobby, “War is a Racket” by General Smedley Butler.)