I have news of an urgent nature that can no longer remain on back burner status. I cannot and will not go another week without talking about this most pressing issue of our times. It would go against the moral fabric of my life—usually plastered with a paisley pattern or something “hippieish” by the by but I digress. (Yes I made up that word, as you can plainly see.)
This is more earth shattering than anything unfolding in the public sphere. It is more important than the Jefferson Beauregard Sessions hearings that are currently happening as I pen this piece. It could, quite possibly, be the most overlooked headline of the decade.
Oh for heaven's sake, I am NOT going to enter the disgusting, grotesque political quagmire this week because I promised to be well rounded in the new year. I read your thoughts and am rather appalled because I have actually lost a few pounds as of late. That is not what I meant by well rounded and I'm deeply hurt. In fact, I'm seeking a safe space currently as you have triggered me to the max. I believe this is a digression so we are on schedule.
Now that I have recovered from the perceived dangers in my midst or mind, in this case, I shall press on with the headline that will rock your collective worlds.
Todd the Cat (TTC) has been given permission to roam freely without the confines of a harness for several MONTHS. Yes, you read that right.
What seems like years ago, I mentioned that I had news of the TTC variety and would update you. However, soon there after I became focused on pesky things like the possibility of WWIII, the earth burning up due to global warming and “many, many, very, very, tremendous, disastrous” concerns of the day. (I couldn't resist a bit of channeling our soon-to-be leader, known to some as OOO—Oh Orange One.)
Getting back to TTC, in case you have not been a Rants and Raves reader until recently a bit of background is necessary.
Perpetual (life long partner) is absolutely INSANE when it comes to his pride and joy, TTC. He is petrified that the animal will be kidnapped and/or mowed down by a passing vehicle. His fears are legitimate because we do live on top of Route 6. In terms of the kidnapping I'm not so sure but I cannot convince Perpetual of such.
For a long time poor TTC would have to don his “suit” whenever he'd go outside. (I kid you not, this is what P called the harness.) He would then be able to roam almost freely within the confines of the 25 foot rope to which he was attached.
Well one day after performing gymnastics in order to rescue him from a tree—Todd not Perpetual—I forgot to reattach said rope to the spiral deal that turns into the ground like a corkscrew. I hope this is clear in your minds as I know you are dying to know what happened next. Simmer down already.
Perpetual arrived home and I told him that he would have to redo the contraption in the back yard. Since we really don't listen to one another he did not take in the information. Therefore, he put TTC in his “suit” and then hooked him up to a long lead that was not latched on to ANYTHING. Whew, I hope that makes sense.
On one of his 27 trips in one hour to check on said animal, P found that he had vanished with equipment in tow. A brief argument ensued.
TTC was missing overnight whilst wearing a blue suit and dragging a 25 foot leash/rope/lead behind him. Perpetual had visions of TTC swinging from a tall pine and/or being tangled to the max and dying of hunger. He always looks on the bright side of things, as you may have ascertained.
After calling in an official search team to assist, the cat finally returned to the scene of the crime. Lo and behold he was totally naked, as he had managed to free himself of the apparatus. (Mind you, the cat is the Harry Houdini of the animal kingdom as he can wriggle out of most bondage situations.)
It was at that point that Perpetual finally understood that the harness scenario was MORE dangerous than simply letting him be a cat and zoom about without the confines of “clothing.”
Mind you, it did not occur to him after the many (there's that word again from OOO) occasions that required me to dash from the home, seize a ladder and maneuver my 52 year-old self up a tree. He did not see the danger when the cat would become twisted in a torturous manner with half of his body in and the other part out of said harness. It never occurred to him either when TTC was spotted hanging from a limb one sunny afternoon.
I cannot count the number of times that I had to call for assistance, in form of The Child (my kid) who is always dressed like he's going to a Wall Street meeting of some sort, by the by. You haven't lived until you've seen your offspring dangling from a tree clutching a cat as a sunbeam bounces off of his well polished shoes. You cannot make this stuff up, as the saying goes.
Now we have a cat door scenario and that in itself is another saga for another day. Let's put it this way, I wouldn't be surprised to awaken to a raccoon lounging beside me due to said cat door.
I think that actually catches us up to date for the week and I know you are all simply elated over this disclosure. I have to dash as TTC is having a difficult time making it through the cat door. Perpetual isn't here to open actual doors for him so I'd best assist—PRONTO!
THE END.