Sorry my darling and loyal readers but I am taking a slight vacation from original column writing. Therefore, I shall provide you with this piece from the dusty vault. In other words, I ran out of energy prior to deadline and am providing you with this “classic” from 2012. Enjoy and tune in next time for an original rant.
Have you ever heard that when a person has writer block, he can, if he so desires, carry out a technique called brainstorming?
I've reached that point and I am going to share a session right here, in print, for all to enjoy. Oh boy.
But first, I must expound a bit on this method. For those who have never heard of such, all one does is jot anything, and I mean anything, that comes to mind onto a piece of paper. One may also use a computer, old cardboard box, matchbook cover, sidewalk chalk, or any implement with which words may become visible.
The theory is, when all is said and done, an idea should leap from the page, and seize the brain, if one is lucky.
Brainstorming can be a group activity, or a solo venture. Spelling is not supposed to be an issue, because the scribe is to simply concentrate on getting as many words, sentences, etc., onto the matchbook, or computer screen, as possible. It's the time for those suffering miserably from “Noideaitis,” (a very serious condition), to let loose with no worries about dumb thoughts, grammar, spelling errors and the like.
The goal is to attempt to conjure an idea for an article, column, piece, assignment, essay or whatever the case may be.
For the purposes of this piece, I shall utilize the spell check, because I must. It would, eventually, be caught by a newsroom computer, if not.
Without further ado, I'm letting you, yes you, in on my now, not-so-secret- rapid-fire storm of the gray matter. Some of the following will be inspired by outside stimuli, such as the telly playing in the background, etc.
How honored you must feel to be a part of this exercise. With that, here I go, live, from my couch, I present an actual brainstorming gathering of one:
Super loud lawn mowers, rainbows, unicorns, Noah's Ark, strange accents, passing gas in public, banning salt, can't smoke outside, cats, constipation, selling ads in tough economic times, cool weather camping, new camp cabana, Barry Manilow, crime shows, split personalities, Aunt Liz, sister wife, buying gold, Obama says some words in a funny way, Ron Paul, the election, Mitt, Mormons, Joseph Smith, plural marriage, Obama has ears like airplane wings, the president could take flight if a strong wind came up behind him, due to the ear factor, painting on rocks, teenagers in and out of love, anyone over 70 won't leave house without lipstick, why is faith revered, God, the devil, alcoholics, baseball, bandanna uses, gay marriage.
OK, I think that actually worked because I've decided to pen a piece about how Obama passed gas whilst flying overhead during hurricane strength winds, while, simultaneously, reciting portions of the Book of Mormon.
Just kidding, of course, but I did glean, (I've always wanted to use that word but since I don't glean much, there is no use in utilizing the word glean, which I've now used more than ever in one sentence. Mission accomplished.)
Out of all of the above brainstorming, I did actually find something that I could prattle on about until the reader prays desperately for a debilitating case of “Arthur Itis,” (as my great aunt used to call Arthritis), to inhabit my fingers.
Some readers may recall a column I typed, back in the stone ages, pertaining to Iran and Iraq. Of course the material was considered to be a deeply moving investigative piece, about the wars, possible weapons of mass destruction and Mideast upheaval in general.
Does any of that ring a bell? Well, it wouldn't because, needless to say, I lied about the actual content of said column. My piece about Iran and Iraq had the depth of a kiddie swimming pool.
The whole deal was about how suddenly I-RACK had morphed into EAR-ROCK and I-RAN was now EAR-RON.
Well, I've taken note of two other bizarre methods of speech, when it comes to certain foreign-affair-type-jazz.
Let us begin with the word Taliban. Back in the olden days, about 4 years ago, prior to our latest leader, it was pronounced like this: TAL-I-BAN. Suddenly, it has become TALLY-BON.
The president says this all of the time and it's silly. Not only but, it puts me in the mind of that song that goes something like this: “Hey Mr. Tally Man, tally me banana.” (While carrying out vast research for this column, I discovered that the title is “Banana Boat Song.”)
Another “Obama-ism” is the way he says Pakistan. What is the deal with this, pray tell? Why can't he just spit it out like everyone else, or most everyone else, does? Instead, whilst speaking of this region, “POCK-EE-STON,” exits his lips.
Is that supposed to make him sound more presidential with that there highfalutin speakin' or sumtin' like gat? (I best warn the newsroom to 86 the spell check for this column.)
I don't get it at all but, in defense of O, he isn't the only one infected by “Snobbish Schmoozing Syndrome,” (SSS).
I'm not sure if he is responsible for the epidemic spread of SSS, (perhaps he missed that vaccine), or not.
All I know is this....SSS has spread, like a hideous rumor does—especially gossip of the small town variety.
I don't need to tell you, my darling readers, about the 90 second rule, which means that anything said circulates wildly around the reading area within 90 seconds. With that, I digress and, I end this column.
I must catch up on the latest out of Ear-rock, including stories of Hey Mr. Tally Man, tally me banana, otherwise known as the Tally-bon. Off I go...
THE END.