Many years ago I wrote two “Ten Commandment” pieces pertaining to the restaurant business. I'm not sure if you recall since this was carried out in 2007 or 2008, if memory serves. I believe one title was something like, “The Ten Commandments of Proper Waitress Etiquette,” and the other was along those lines but it related to customer behavior.
Those two columns are kind of special to me because I get to brag about the fact that they were both published in the Pittsburgh Post Gazette. Yes, yes, we all realize how I am into shameless self promotion and for that, I have no apologies, excuses or even a tinge of regret. I mean, if I don't shower myself with accolades, who will?
The point of the matter is that I shall now utilize the same technique but this time it will relate to how one should behave on social media. I have defined social media in the past for those who are not aware but feel I should try again, for those who missed it.
Social media is an area of cyberspace in which some people take great pleasure in spewing forth garbage that they would NEVER utter in a public setting. It is also an area in which people can bond, encourage one another and take part in the ups and downs of everyday life.
The “outlet” with which I am most acquainted would be Facebook. I think that everyone is familiar with the concept so I shall stick with that form of social media for this piece.
Without further ado, I present the ten commandments of proper Facebook behavior. (Please keep in mind that I am pretty clueless in terms of utilizing King James Bible English, so to speak—hey I kind of made a pun and digressed in parenthesis! Anyhow, I will be making up words and using thee, thy, thine, etc., etc., inappropriately because I simply do not want to spend five hours translating. Plus, I won't be consistent with said usage. I will also simply ad “th” for fun. Boy this is kind of liberating.)
I am the Goddess of the Rant. Thou shalt have no other columnists before me. Thou shalt keep these edicts and pass them down to future generations of “The Book” (Facebook) users. I have spoken.
One: Thou shalt not makest false claims concerning blessings. The Goddess of the Rant does not dole out such things just because thou typest the word “amen.” Thou will not be blessed simply by sharing a picture and typing that word. This is demeaning to all gods and goddesses. I have spoken.
Two: Thou shalt not posteth anything of a divisiveth nature on the wall of another with the intended purpose of causing social media unrest. I am the Goddess of the Rant and I demand that any kind of controversial materials be placed in the private message area of The Book. If thouest receiveth permission frometh the owner of the wall, then thou may disregardeth this command. I have spoken.
Three: Thou shalt not photograph and post a picture of thy breakfast, lunch and/or dinner. I am a chubby cherub of a goddess and I can not taketh the temptation. It is permissible, however, to shareth photographs of adult beverages. I have spoken.
Four: Thou shalt not, under any circumstances under the sun (which I created, by the by) shareth images of animals in any stageth of horrid abuse. The same rule applies to children. This is thoroughly unacceptable and will not be tolerated by the Goddess of the Rant. Stop it right now. YUCK. Knock it off. I have spoken.
Five: Thou shalt attempt to utilizeth proper grammar unless thou art dictating and the device is typing for thee. Please learneth the appropriate usage of the following words in order to be taken seriously in the Land of The Book: They're, their, there, your, you're, an, and, saw, seen, doesn't and don't. That is just a small sampleth. I am a goddess of grammar, (hey we all moonlight for extra cash), and I demandeth respecteth. I have spoken.
Six: Thou SHALL taketh the timeth needed to carry out even a smidgen of research before posting. For example, anything written by Glenn Beck or from The Blaze should be fully investigated and researched before thou shareth it with unsuspecting creatures. I am an anti propaganda goddess and I demand that thou followeth this rule. I have spoken. (Boy, saying I have spoken is kind of misleading since this weird English is killing me. Sorry, I had to jump in and digress even in the midst of my commandments—hey, even the Goddess of the Rant can make mistakes.)
Seven: Thou shalt not partially quoteth the framers of the United States Constitution in order to have their words conform to thy belief system, political views and/or thy deep feelings of righteousness. I appointeth them and will not sit by and watch as they are used to promoteth thy own agendas. Cease and desisteth this instant. I am the Crazed Goddess of the Rant and I might smiteth thee for my own sick pleasure. I have spoken.
Eight: Thou SHALL continue to posteth charming pictures of family, babies, newborn cattle, frisky kittens, bouncy baby puppies, precious peacocks and anything of a cheerful and upliftingeth nature. The Goddess of the Rant looks kindly upon such things. Thou and thine future generations will live full lives if thou followest this command. I have spoken.
Nine: Thou shalt learn the fine art of scrolling by an offensive post rather than jumping in with an uninformed opinioneth. As the Goddess of the Rant, I understand that this might contradict commandment number four. However, as a goddess I caneth and willeth imparteth mixed rules and regulations. This is the natureth of the Goddess of the Rant. GENUFLECT this instant. Thanketh you and stopeth again. I have spoken.
Ten: Thou SHALL be KIND. This commandment can stand alone, if needeth be. If thou art tempted to utilize ad hominem attacks, have the human decency to do so in the above-mentioned private message area of The Book. Even if thou art a troll, do so with kindness and love in thy soul. I speaketh from experience as I oft' morph into a troll. I am, aftereth all, the Goddess of the Rant and possesseth powers beyond human comprehension. If thou must be troll-like, do so with a tender hearteth. Inserting a smiley face always helps when thou art attempting to be delightful. I have spoken.
Follow that listeth aboveth and thou SHALL prospereth.
This extra commandment is optional but give it a shot: Thou shalt have a wonderful 2016!
THE END.
P.S. Good gravy I have never seen so many red lines under words in my life. HOLD ME.