Digressions to the max and cheapskates to boot

I was a bit apprehensive about penning this column, for various reasons. However, I felt, after talking it over with myself, including answering and all, to just launch violently.

There is a reason for my decision to take the “Nestea Plunge.” (Remember those fun commercials from the 70s where a person would drink the iced tea and then fall backwards into a pool, or other body of water? Weren't those great? Yes, I've digressed in paragraph number two, which is a total record, even for me.)

Getting back to something, oh, it pertained to being worried about the subject matter at hand, but now being OK with it. That's it.

I was concerned about losing advertisers but, it's very difficult, almost impossible, actually, to surrender something that was never there. Does that make a lick of sense? It will come to light as I get on with it.

You see, I'm going to complain, wildly, about people who/whom want everything for free in life.

Since I work for a paper, I will concentrate, more or less, on how it affects us. (Take note, I've finally discovered how to use the correct word, which would be, “affect” vs. “effect.” Patricia, my darling departed friend, worked with me on this issue for years and finally, it clicked. I usually have to call someone, like Mr. Migdal or Mr. John Davis, to find out. It really isn't that difficult, as one is a noun, and the other, a verb. It just took me till death do us part but, I think I have it now. Ain't ya proud?)

If I don't move along, I know that Community News newspapers, across the land, are going to be used for target practice, and soon.

OK, I'm not going to mention specific businesses in this piece because, I do have a smidgen of class. Just a very, very, puny amount, mind you. I'm not leaving out the names for fear of advertising being pulled because, and here is the real theme...They NEVER advertise anyway—as was broached a few paragraphs up.

Here is what they do instead, and you tell me if this is wrong or not. The business or businesses, in this case, send press release, after press release, which the chief places in our humble, yet award winning, publication, as a courtesy to the community.

In turn, I, personally, think it might be nice if, every now and again, not constantly, not weekly, not even monthly but, just on occasion, some of these free-seeking-publicity-hounds, might purchase even a $25 ad.

Is that really asking too much? I've had one person actually contact me, repeatedly, to inquire as to why we ceased plunking the FREE jazz in our paper. This person is notorious, across the land, for CONSTANTLY, wanting something for nothing. Anyhow, I directed the individual, (note, I didn't reveal the sex of this person—and yes, I mean gender so calm it), to the chief, since he is the owner of the paper, after all. I'm not sure what ever became of that one.

I also have a corporate person who sends content, like I send venom through this space. Every time I turn around, there is another announcement. I turn them into the chief, and he has finally quit running them.

I've seen their ads in other papers and I know *&^% well that they are NOT receiving free advertising in those publications. I just am 98% certain that there is not a paper in this land that would offer a full page actual ad, not just newsworthy words only, but an ad, with graphics and all, for NOTHING.

Yet, when I get with them and offer a HUGE discount, like over 100 bucks off, I get this, “Sorry Lisa, not at this time.” Mind you, this is directly after I've spied, with my little eye, their @*%$# ad in the other area papers.

I'm really getting wound up now. You may have noted the cartoon swear words are really picking up speed. Plus, my keyboard is taking a punishment. I can't even see some of the letters as they've rubbed off, from furious, forceful flogging.

You won't believe me when I impart this but, I had to go over to my email area quickly, as I'm waiting to hear from a paying advertiser—we love them. Well, I kid you not, there was yet another news delivery in my email in-box, from one of the secretive above-mentioned venues.

I swear on a stack of cheeseburgers that it is totally true. Talk about serendipity. Is that the right word? Not sure but Mr. Davis or Mig will certainly let me know.

Now, I do not want folks to get the wrong idea here. There are plenty of freebies that I often offer folks. Sometimes, a person will call and ask to put an ad in the paper about such and such, (generally a charitable event). Well, if I feel that such and such is more of a press release kind-of-scenario, then I forgo my commission and say, “Look, this is more of a public service announcement. We aren't going to charge you for this.”

Bottom line folks: I am blown away, appalled, incensed, riled up and plain-old-shocked at the chutzpah of some people.

How dare these human beings think that they can simply shoot us content, with rapid fire, best utilized on the battleground, and expect to never purchase even ONE advertisement in this delightful paper, ever?

I was raised better than that and I thank my dear mother for giving me the wee amount of class that was discussed earlier in this rant.

Dig deep into your pockets, Mr. Corporation. You know who you are. You are the one who pays money to advertise in waaaayyyy more expensive papers on a regular basis.

To borrow from Roseanne, of “Horsin' Around with Roseanne” fame: In the immortal words of Carly Simon, with some artistic license thrown in, (start thinking of the melody of “You're so Vain,” by Ms. Simon, for this next part): “You're so cheap, you probably think this rant is about you, you're so cheap, I bet you think this piece is about you, don't you, don't you now??”

In a word, or fifty, yes, this is about you. If right now you are feeling a tinge of guilt, anger, outrage or other feelings of being outed as the cheapskate that you are, then, indeed, this piece IS about you. Open that billfold, buy an ad, for even $25, and we would happily, cheerfully even, run your *&^%$ press releases from time to time.