Sebastian Houserman

I have some wonderful news that I must share with all in my path. Hold on to something as it is a major scoop.

We have taken on a new boarder. Now, if you ask Mother about this, she might make it seem as though we've adopted a Gila monster, or Puff the Magic Dragon. In reality, we have a brand new, delightful little friend who just so happens to be... a ___________. You have to try and guess.

Here are some clues: It's a boy, he is tan, black and white, he rubs his “hands” over his petite face wildly, in order to stay clean, and he is rearing to go at night. NO—it is not Perpetual, (fiance), but that was a good try.

Have you figured it out yet? Very good. I now am the proud mother of a month-old hamster.

It's totally true. I know you are all very jealous of me, at this point, and I'm sorry to rub it in, but I will still continue to do so.

I'm certain that you are waiting for the entire story of how we acquired this beast and I will attempt to not disappoint.

The other week, I casually declared, to all who were trying to ignore me, that I absolutely had to possess a hamster. I was feeling a bit nostalgic because, I did own one in 1984, whilst residing in Houston Texas. However, she met a rather hideous demise when the exterminator came a calling. I wondered why Shelia wasn't moving about, in her glass home, and then, I discovered her stiff little body, nose down and tush up, in said hamster habitat. I know, I know, this column is very upbeat thus far.

Now that I've finished rending clothing, over Shelia, I will continue with this saga. Aren't you all simply delighted?

Back to Mother for a brief, glowing, moment. When I told her of my good fortune, she literally said that I should be institutionalized. Now, that, in itself, isn't anything new but, she meant that I should have my head examined due to getting a little, wee, tiny, precious companion.

She gently, yet effectively, imparted that the breadbox, in which we dwell, is really too small for any extra bodies. This is very true but a hamster? Honestly, how much can he really interfere with the current living conditions?

Just because his cage is 20 feet by 10 feet, with tunnels running over and under couches, tables and Aunt Liz, is no reason to declare that he's a space hog, is it?

Not to mention, but I will, that his dragster car isn't all that huge and the cats so enjoy watching him zoom about. Yes, you read that right. We do own cats but they ask to go out to use the restroom. Therefore, the square footage that would normally be utilized for a litter pan, can be transferred to Sebastian. (Sebastian is the name of our new pal, just in case you missed that.)

You know, I just read over that last paragraph and I got to thinking, (stop your awful thoughts). I nonchalantly said, in passing, that Sebastian owns a car but indicated that having cats was the shocking part, of said paragraph.

Sorry, I had to digress because if I didn't, you would agree with Mother about the funny farm scenario. Again, please cease with your impure and rather rude thoughts, at this time. Thank you so much.

I honestly think that every home should come furnished with a hamster. The world would be a better place if this were so. Just humor me here, please.

There are a plethora of reasons why you, yes, you, should have a pet like Sebastian.

For one, hamsters only live for a few years. Therefore, if you tire of the beast, you won't have to deal with him/her forever. That's food for thought, huh?

Another reason for you to rush out now and seize a hamster would be this. They don't require a lot of fuss. The cage, depending on the size, really only needs maid service about once a week. The food seems to last for a long time as does the water. Are you convinced yet?

Also, they keep the other animals, including humans, totally transfixed and amused, all at once. In fact, I think that owning one of these little angels, just might be a substitute for a babysitter. Your toddler would gaze at the cage while you headed to the mall, corner bar or to some other hotspot in town. Wow, I think I'm on to something here.

If those aren't reasons enough, I shall leave you with this. It would drive Mother totally insane if everyone became enamored by hamsters. Please, let's all work to bother my eighty-seven-year-old mother. Boy, I am such a fantastic daughter, aren't I?

Well, there isn't too much more to blather about in terms of Sebastian. I live for him and, oh, goodness—I must dash. Aunt Liz is trying to escape the clutches of those dastardly hamster tunnels that encompass her. I best go assist her and pronto.

Wish me luck because Sebastian is cruising around madly in his car. I'm afraid I might trip over him and land on a cat.