This week I'm coming at you with an actual column instead of a game. I put a lot of work into the games so I figure I should try to get as much mileage out of them as humanly possible. Also they come in very handy for those times when I simply cannot conjure a subject for this section of the paper.
Actually, I'm always looking into this or that alternative research, sometimes known as “conspiracy theories” but I thought I'd spare you that jazz this week. Maybe in the future I can let you know of some of the “interesting” ideas and subjects that I have looked into for my own pleasure or pain.
Moving along, I know that many of you caught wind (I said CAUGHT not PASSED so calm down) that Mother had to be whisked to the ER recently so I thought I'd give you the scoop. I shall also make a recommendation about something as well that might aid the elderly and those in charge of them.
Mother visits with Lou Moyers weekly after church as he is unable to get out and about due to some health issues. This past Sunday was no exception. They play cards or other games and just have fun in general during these visits.
Lou is a fascinating person. For those not familiar with him, he's the fellow who has the model airplane runway near what used to be Conneaut Lake High School. I can never keep the schools in order these days and still refer to it as such. Am I digressing yet?
I have approached him about allowing me to interview him for this paper but he seems to think that he is not that fascinating. Can you imagine this? Not only does he do the flying scenario but he is an excellent engineer in general. He can make things out of those erector sets that would boggle the minds of most, in my not-so-humble view anyway.
So the phone rang that afternoon rather late in the day and it was Mother telephoning from Lou's house. I right away thought that she had car trouble because she was having some issues with her thousand year old Sherman Tank she calls a vehicle.
It turned out that she was not having issues with the vehicle but instead had fallen inside of Lou's house whilst putting on her boots for exiting purposes.
I did not have Edna (the van) here as The Child (Spencer) was using her since his car is in the shop. (Yes, Spencer is still here but is leaving in early Feb for another gig in the Florida Keys. More on that another time.)
I told Mother of the situation and she telephoned him at that point. Thank goodness he had been given permission to utilize a more modern car for his journey to rescue Mother, so he zoomed here at the speed of light, give or take.
He collected me and we arrived together at Lou's place. Mother said right away that we should call an ambulance, which she NEVER says, so we knew she was concerned. The reason for this was because when she fell she had hit her head resulting in a large goose egg and a small cut near the eye in the temple region.
She takes head injuries seriously so that is why she thought she should have tests run, etc. Also in the process of hitting the ground, she broke one of the arms of her “YUGE” satellite-dish-style-glasses, for which she is known throughout the land—or at least this area.
The ambulance arrived and whisked her off to the hospital. Spencer and I made our way in as well. Tests were run, etc., and they determined that she hadn't done any major damage so off we went.
Whenever Mother has to give her vital statistics or when they are discovered in her paperwork, most everyone is shocked to learn that the woman is indeed 92 years of age. Not to mention but she was dressed in her Sunday Best at the time so the whole staff was basically fawning over her, which is always fun.
The woman has recovered fully and is getting on with her regular scheduled programming as we speak, or as I type. So, there is the story.
Now, my idea or invention is that I think it would be helpful for anyone over the age of 80 to be required to don something similar to a football uniform when exiting the home for any reason.
Actually, another version of that outfit should be required for around the house activities as well. This is especially needed for those in the elderly community who weigh 5 pounds. Mother lives for food, as I've mentioned here before, and yet has the nerve to be super wispy. (I was trying to think of another word for thin.) Due to diabetes she has to watch this or that but she always sets aside some allotted carbs for the dessert portion of her day.
The woman has been accused of eating like a bird, since many think that she couldn't possibly enjoy eating and be that particular weight. Her comeback is a classic Jackie Houserman and goes something like this: “Yes, I eat like a bird—a VULTURE!” I find that to be very clever.
Anyhow, what do you think of my idea? Something must be done to aid those in our society who have a tendency to hit the ground on occasions too numerous to mention here.
Getting back to my idea, it could be a type of new clothing line with all sorts of matching tops and pants with various degrees of padding, depending on the planned activities for any given day.
This could be a gold mine, ladies and gentlemen!! There could be matching helmets made to go along with evening gown attire for that special gathering or charity event as well. The possibilities are really endless.
I guess that's it for the week. I should telephone next door to see if Mother needs assistance getting out of those shoulder pads and knee protector things.
That reminds me, the shoulder pad portion of said outfits could simply entail going back to the eighties in terms of the clothing they wore.
Remember that? All of the outfits had those hideous and overdone shoulder pads IN them already. Oh, those were the days, weren't they?
THE END (Interstate Crosscheck, AIPAC – check the latest proposed legislation which would make it ILLEGAL to be a part of the Boycott, Divestment and Sanctions movement against Israel, “War is a Racket” by General Smedley Butler)