Lisa's Rants and Raves
Hello Ladies and Gentlemen, I shall explain my reasoning for that particular opening line later in this piece.
I decided to slow things down this week and blather on incessantly about The Child, Perpetual and Todd and other things that will not cause massive pearl clutching ceremonies to spring forth in the reading region.
Recently I penned a piece in which I had the pure chutzpah to take our dear, sweet Hillary to task and it caused some people to gasp in horror. Therefore, I shall veer away from said topic this week, much to your relief, I'm certain.
I thought I'd give you an update on The Child since many people ask about him. As a refresher, The Child and his delightful female companion moved to Key Largo, of all Zeus forsaken places, in April.
They are both employed by a ritzy “la-di-da” sort of place that is comparable to the Trump palace, which is also located in Florida.
I know this will come as a total shock to you but The Child possesses the gift of gab and a stunning personality that generally wins the hearts, minds and souls of those in his orbit. Light applause and please throw money because clearly he gets these charming characteristics from his mother, of course. Actually as much as it pains me to admit this, his father was a personable fellow and could hold his own in most conversations. (That is the last you will see such stunning reviews of The Child's father.)
Recently Mother and I did a video chat with him and he filled us in on the particulars in terms of the new gig.
He was called into the office of some major head honcho and thought he was in some sort of trouble. Turns out that they had done a secret survey of members over a period of one week and they wanted to let The Child know that he received super good reviews.
Head Honcho imparted that he was “off the charts” in terms of good comments and said that most wanted to see him promoted. So there is that bit of information for all of you who have been on the edge of your seats begging to be updated on every aspect of The Child and his new life in the Sunshine State.
Moving along to some sheer insanity that unfolded the other morning, I was casually on the porch sipping coffee when I couldn't help but note something like this unfolding within the home: *&%$#@ BANG – BOOM *&^%$.
I apprehensively approached the kitchen only to find Perpetual (life partner) running madly toward the back door whilst filling the air with cartoon swear words, as noted above. As I carefully made coffee I asked him what was happening. I already knew that it must have something to do with his wonderful Todd the Cat and I was correct, of course.
Last winter a cat we call “Downstairs Kitty” managed to make his way into our laundry facility via the now infamous cat door. He seeks refuge in that area currently as well during times of bad weather. So, Downstairs Kitty had terrified darling TTC and “forced” him to flee madly through the home. That is why Perpetual was swearing in the manner of Fred Flintstone whilst simultaneously banging on various objects in order to frighten the intruder and cause him to get the heck out.
Honestly, I thought that something totally hideous had happened the way that Perpetual was carrying on so.
I gently made my way back to the front porch so that Perpetual could continue his reign of terror in Todd's honor. Several minutes later the man whipped onto said porch, slippers in hand and began to bang them violently together in order to remove grass.
As grass was being flung to and fro he managed to say that dear TTC and Downstairs Kitty had some sort of confrontation near the pool house. Perpetual was convinced that DK had somehow removed TTC's “necklace” (collar with decorative bandanna made by me) in the struggle. Of course this was not true as TTC appeared about an hour later fully clothed. This story is totally insane, is it not?
Moving along, during my lunch break later on in the day I couldn't help but note that there was an odd sound emanating from a corner in the kitchen that just so happens to house a roll of wrapping paper. I inched closer in order to ascertain what on earth when I saw a creature poke his head out of the top of the roll.
I managed to maneuver the roll to the front door and kind of “pitch” it onto the outside chair. In a few seconds the most adorable thing happened when a little chipmunk popped out onto the chair in a stunned manner. I was able to pet him using one finger and he scooted off in pure terror. I picked up the roll O paper only to find that it was still too heavy since Chip had been removed. Well guess what happened next... “Munk” came running out and joined Chip! They both zoomed across the yard.
This kind of jazz unfolds all of the time now due to those cat doors and TTC being a major hunter. Since that particular incident, Perpetual and I have saved the life of yet another chipmunk and a bird.
Believe it or not, I'm done for the week. I hear something odd coming from the bedroom closet so please wish me luck.
Oh, I forgot to say the reason for my “ladies and gentlemen” opening. I started a small You Tube “show” called “Lounging with Lisa” and I constantly call my audience “ladies and gentlemen.” Please take a gander and subscribe if you so desire. I cover topics ranging from politics to cats, pretty much the same as in this column space.
I love it because I don't have to wait a whole week in order to launch madly into some rant about a particular subject. I'm sure you are all simply over-the-top delighted to know that you may “find” me 7 days a week now. Try to contain your enthusiasm.
THE END (Interstate Crosscheck - AIPAC)