Second attempt at birthday salute

Remember last week when I was supposed to dedicate a column to my darling Perpetual (fiance) in honor of his 127th birthday? Remember how instead of doing so I began what was supposed to be a “brief” intro that went on to fill the entire column space, thereby leaving room only for a picture of darling P?

Well all of the above did unfold and I'm here to correct the record, so to speak. I shall make up for lost time and plunk the rerun in this space with modifications. As you are reading just pretend like the picture from last week's paper is indeed in the one that you now grasp.

Also, change the number 13 to 14 in terms of the years of torture—I mean bliss—that we have suffered—I mean enjoyed as a couple.

I think everything else is pretty much the same because P has remained fairly steady over the years. On the other hand, I have morphed into a total, not partial, lunatic. I wasn't sure if you have noticed that and thought I'd bring it to your attention.

OK, I believe I have met my obligation thus far in terms of long intros. Oh, I haven't digressed yet so allow me that pleasure right now. Planned Parenthood did NOT sell “baby body parts” and yet the organization might be de-funded due to this LIE.

In fact, several people who edited those sick videos to make PP look terrible are in deep trouble because California prosecutors filed 15 felony charges against two of them. If you do not believe me, feel free to look it up.

Well, there is the obligatory digression and with that, here is the rerun. OH! One more thing, as Columbo would say, I must end this particular part of the piece by saying: THE END and Interstate Crosscheck, as is my custom. Enjoy!

Short and sweet,
describes both the
column and the
subject matter

Once again I shall utilize this space in order to give a person a birthday gift rather than actually going out to purchase something. Aren't I brilliant? Aren't I cheap? It's terrific, isn't it?

Also, I don't have to bloviate to the max because I shall supply a picture as well. I just love it when a birthday aids in my lazy behavior.

There is a very special day-of-birth on the horizon and it involves a man we've all come to know and adore. Well, those who actually know him in person might take issue with the word “adore” but you catch my drift, I'm quite certain.

Clearly I speak of none other than Perpetual. You may have ascertained that little fact due to the photo that was plunked somewhere on the page.

For those who are reading this blather for the first time, I must offer my condolences. I should also explain that Perpetual is the nickname with which I dubbed my life partner of 13 years. He used to have an actual birth name but those days are behind us now as he answers to the P word more oft' than not.

P fell madly in love with me when I was a waitress at the world-famous greasy spoon called Mama Bear's Restaurant. Honestly, who could blame the man? After all, I am such a catch that men galore simply lived for me back then and possibly still do. (You may now remove the muck boots as I am done lying.)

I rarely utilize this space to praise anyone but will give it the old tuition-free-college try. (Sorry I couldn't resist mentioning a frightening aspect of DEMOCRATIC socialism. I shall work this jazz in whenever I can for your pain or pleasure. I think I'm finished digressing but stay tuned for more.)

As many of my faithful readers know, I often take aim at Mother and/or Perpetual on a semi-regular basis. However, I must be tender and loving for a moment when it comes to my darling P.

He has been a wonderful asset (note the “et” at the end) to the family and played a major role in raising The Child. Not to mention but I will, he has actually stayed with me, of all people, for over a decade. Can you imagine? For that alone he deserves much more than some words in a paper.

P is a rather low maintenance kind of individual and would be quite content to gaze at the telly for hours whilst draped in felines, for good measure.

Another activity that keeps him away from home as much as humanly possible would be fishing, hunting and/or any other outdoor festivity. I cannot fathom why he would not want to spend every waking moment with your humble columnist, can you?

When it comes to dinner as long as some type of death is on the menu he is as happy as a lark. (Why are larks so darn pleased with life?) Speaking of cooking, he carries out that torturous and rather hideous activity quite frequently and enjoys it. If he didn't, he might starve to death but I digress once again.

Something amazing about Perpetual is that he is mistaken for an ATM machine on a regular basis. I'm not sure if this has something to do with his being vertically challenged or what but it is quite remarkable. Of course I would NEVER take advantage of that. I'm totally innocent in this particular regard.

Since I want to leave room for the picture, thereby avoiding having to type any longer, I shall casually end this love fest and pronto.

I will simply stop the madness by stating that I am honestly grateful for my dear, sweet Perpetual and wish him the best birthday possible. (Whew! Do you think he will expect an actual present or will this suffice? Stay tuned next week for how this all worked out in the wash.)