Lisa's Rants and Raves
Several days ago Kellyanne Conway (KAC) said something bizarre on live television—I know, I know, so far you are in a state of disbelief but please bear with. The nature of this particular interview or answer to a question that was posed had to do with various ways in which the plethora of 3 letter agencies go about spying on the citizens of this fine nation.
I'm absolutely shocked and chagrined; I mean I'm totally taken aback that various governmental bodies actually gather information about the citizenry. Who knew that we dwell in a militarized police and surveillance state?
I've been clutching my pearls ever since this major revelation came to light because the extent of it all is simply overwhelming. (I am hoping by now that you understand sarcasm. Mother was in a panic about my last column because she thought that some wouldn't understand my Jesus jazz and could take it “the wrong way.” I assured her that people get my sarcasm but just to be CLEAR and for the sake of that dear woman; in last week's piece the Jesus jazz was SARCASM. I'm telling you this is getting to be ridiculous and is taking away from the even flow of this space—did I just indicate that this column generally flows? I'm cracking myself up, digressing to the max and will add parenthesis to top off the sundae!)
Oh my goodness, I've veered off totally and early on as well. I'm kind of beaming with pride at this time. I'm casually moving back to the topic right about now. Most media types jumped on that poor, misunderstood KAC and made fun of her because she mentioned a microwave partaking in photography or some such. I will not be following suit in terms of piling on to KAC bashing because I'm not so sure she is mistaken.
Before you conclude that I have taken total (not partial) leave of my cognitive facilities, allow me to elaborate—like you ever have a say in the matter.
I will illustrate why I think she could be on to something by spinning a yarn of a recent occurrence that had me gasping in horror. Wow, how was that?
The strangest stuff happened to me this morning and I believe I should impart it to you until you ________ (fill in the blank). Perpetual (life partner) is off the hook this week because this unfolded when he wasn't on hand. He and Todd the Cat went to work together and yes, I'm joking but he would if he could but he can't so he won't. Do you remember that goofy saying? Am I a digression queen this week? Will I ever get to any kind of meaningful point? Do I ever get to any meaningful point? Moving along now...
Today was hideous in terms of weather and sales were pretty slow so I decided to plunk down and start my weekly “snoozefest” aka this column a bit earlier than usual. The following is a dramatization of what happened to me along the way to my computer. (This is like the comedians from “back in the day” saying stuff like “A funny thing happened on the way to the Forum,” which I never really understood but saying so allowed for yet another digression in brackets.)
I exited the bedroom with a bright and cheery attitude—one might say I was ready to take on the day with gusto. (So far this is an alternative fact or fake news). I schlepped toward the coffee maker and noticed that something seemed strange. As I crept closer I couldn't help but notice that the toaster, which rests on a shelf across from the coffee maker, had mysteriously arrived on the counter. (Hence forth I shall use names for the appliances as I think it might help with the entire visual. The coffee maker will be Charlotte and the toaster shall be Tad.)
When we utilize Tad we put him “up” afterward so this was rather odd. At first I thought that perhaps Perpetual had brewed some toast the night before but remembered that he had not done so.
At that moment one of the cats came tearing out of an adjacent room in this massive 900 square foot abode. I turned quickly to see what was happening only to catch (out of the corner of my eye) Tad inching toward Charlotte.
I shook my head wildly as I thought I must be hallucinating. However, upon further examination, I saw Tad approach Charlotte in a hostile manner. I leaped, like the FTD Man, out of the room at the speed of something fast and landed in the safety of the bathroom. I swiftly “slid” the door shut behind me—it's one of those ancient “accordion” style doors that sort of expands when shut and folds when opened. (I hope to heck you are getting this silly description of my bathroom door, for crying in a bucket.)
I thought for sure that someone had slipped some kind of psychedelic in my over-the-counter night time pill. After I gathered myself, I slowly exited the room of rest and inched toward the kitchen when all of the sudden, the large capacity freezer shot me a dirty look—I sought refuge in the arms of the refrigerator, as is my custom, only to be shunned and photographed simultaneously. This is no joke people!
The handle on the fridge morphed into a camera and took my picture. At that moment, Charlotte yelled for help because Tad had clearly made an unwanted advance. After I broke them up and separated them for good, (Tad has been relegated to the laundry room which has a door that can be locked), a frightening image and menacing voice emanated from my MICROWAVE OVEN! Yes, you read that right. Much to my sheer terror it was none other than the above-mentioned KAC. She taunted, teased and tormented me all whilst mimicking the oft' used (in this column space) eerie Vincint Price laugh.
I zoomed to the corner of the kitchen to be welcomed with “open door” by my tender and warm stove/oven combo. (Hey, ovens do NOT have arms, you silly geese. Gee sometimes I wonder about your sanity.) At long last I was able to seek shelter in the safety and glow of said appliance. The cries of Charlotte, the rude words of Tad and the cries of KAC faded from my memory at long last.
It took me a bit to pull myself together and I was finally able to make my way to this very laptop. I tipped my hat (bandanna atop the head) toward the coat tree, gave a top O the morn greeting to my cable box and asked the advice of a passing lampshade.
After what seemed like an eternity, I settled in and began to type this very piece. Whew, there you have the saga of the trip to the computer.
Oh dear, I appear to be getting the stink eye from the lava lamp so I'm going to dash across the room and cut his electricity before things get too far - See Rants page 5