I can't believe me

There is something that I've been neglecting to say for some time and I find that I can no longer hold back. It's time for me to let loose about an over-the-top ridiculous situation.

I find it necessary for my mental health to just go ahead and confess, spill the beans, clear my conscience and all that other cliched jazz. I've been apprehensive about doing so because I fear that the pearl clutching and sighs of despair will be in play more so than usual.

“First do no harm” has true meaning for me and I would never want to cause my loyal readers to suffer. STOP with those impure thoughts right this instant.

Prepare to be thrilled to the marrow because this is not going to be a column of a political nature.

There is no way that I'm going to wade through that quagmire of sex, lies and videotapes; I'm not going to convince anyone to do anything so I shall back away from such shenanigans entirely. (I just noticed something about the sex, lies and videotape statement. All of those actually pertain to both party picks, which is pretty pathetic now that I ponder further. Wow, I used a plethora of “p” words in that statement and yet again with “plethora.” Anyhow, let that sink in for a bit before I launch into the real important stuff.)

Now that I've taken up a good portion of this space with a “tremendous” intro, I will tell you the scoop.

Sometime this summer, if memory serves, one of the “arms” of my eyeglasses broke. This could not be fixed with one of those adorable little kits that Mother carries in her purse; so any kind of actual repair could not take place.

I tried to rig said glasses by utilizing that blue tape that some painters—NOT Perpetual (life partner) use to keep paint off windows, etc. It did not hold for more than 30 minutes. (In terms of Perpetual, he is out of control when it comes to that jazz. He will NEVER use tape and instead insists on the “rag” method.

The cloth in question is subjected to the “three bucket cleansing scenario” which involves a bucket of wonderfully clear water, one with fairly good water and one that is the dirtiest of all. I shouldn't need to say this but all buckets O' water start out clean.

Cloth goes into the dirty water first, then the middle one and then the just right one, which is clean to the max. Same thing with his *&^%$# precious paint brushes. The man could LITERALLY return one of his used brushes to the paint store for a full refund a year after the purchase.

Wow, I've not only managed to digress but I've veered completely off subject and all in parenthesis.)

After I tried unsuccessfully to tape the glasses, I then applied “Gorilla Glue,” which lasted for about a day. I've utilized everything from Super Glue to duct tape all to no avail. Heaven forbid I actually make an attempt to schlep into a store for a repair because that entails an effort.

Instead of carrying out the rational method of eyeglass fixing as was mentioned above, I have found ways to keep them level on my face. Due to the right arm missing, the glasses have no option but to tilt. I've managed to work around this during public appearances like driving by wearing a hat.

The doohickey, that once connected the arm, hits the hat in such a manner that it stops it from twisting. In other words, the hat holds the glasses in place so that I don't look like more of a goober than I am when, for instance, I enter a store. My attire is bizarre enough without the added effect of crooked glasses clinging to my face.

The at home method is a bit more complex. Some of you are old enough to remember the old turntable style record players. Well, do you recall when a record would skip, a way to prevent such goings on would be to tape a coin to the arm of the player thereby weighting it down enough to avoid the jump?

Well, guess what...I did not want to don a hat every day of my life whilst viewing the telly or looking at something across the room. I have a substance called “Quake Putty” that is used by many folks in earthquake regions to keep “bric-a-bracs” firmly planted to shelves, etc.

Just picture listening to those vinyls with a coin balanced on the player arm, whilst simultaneously using “Silly Putty” to copy the funnies from the newspaper. What I'm trying to say in 3,467 words or less is that the substance is similar.

So, I took some of this jazz, applied it to a dime, flipped dime over putty side down and plunked it onto the area of the glasses on which the arm generally joins. (Look, I cannot find another word for arm tonight so forgive my redundant word usage.)

Yes, you read that all right ladies and germs. I currently have eyeglasses that remain balanced on my head via a dime and putty.

In my defense, I finally stopped at the vision store on my way back from a doctor appointment the other day in order to have them repaired. However, I didn't realize they could “weld” the arm back on and did not bring the missing limb along. (Hey I managed to find another way to describe the arm!)

It was either pay $15 for this surgical procedure or $79 for new frames. Clearly I will be taking them back in soon, if soon is now defined as by the new year at this point.

Well there you have it. I have been going around wearing a hat and/or donning a dime on my arm-less glasses since summer for reasons that can only be described as procrastination on speed.

Do you see why I hesitated to come forward with this ludicrous saga of epic proportions? I guess that's really it for the week. Sometimes it's good just to use my audience for therapy and I so appreciate your kindness.