Lisa's Rants and Raves
Before I begin, do you notice anything different thus far? I decided it was finally time to change the header by plunking a newer photo into the box. You see, the one that I have been utilizing has been in play for years. Therefore, when I see a “fan” in person, he/she is oft’ totally taken aback by my actual appearance.
In that other photo I look much younger and more tender since it was taken when I fit that description (?). In case you are wondering, I’m wearing Mother’s satellite dishes—I mean sunglasses in the new picture. They come in super handy when I want to catch some ham radio out of Thailand or tune into state run television from North Korea.
Moving along, I actually had another piece almost ready for prime time but decided to once again attempt something different this week. It is also of a political nature but I’m going to try and have total fun with it. I do realize that many are not fond of political themed rants but cut me some slack as this is an election year.
It has come to my attention that most people who occupy the Far Right, Tea Party, Ultra- Republican branch of the conservative movement possess misconceptions when it comes to those on the opposing team. They see Progressives, Liberals, Left-Wingers, etc., in a strange light only understood by others who share their philosophy.
Many seem to dwell within a hermetically sealed bubble packed with delusions about how the other half lives, so to speak. It is super difficult to impart but here is just one example before I go full blast. Super conservatives believe that ALL media is liberal except for THE anointed network, Fox News. Any outlet that uses right wing talking points is also socially acceptable. They refuse to garner any kind of information from that evil “liberal media.” (In the real world, most media sources are CORPORATE and are owned by conservatives but let’s not let pesky facts interfere with our ideology. You see, Sean Hannity, Bill O’Reilly and Charles Krauthammer say that the media is very liberal. Those men are never wrong about anything, so there. I am elated due to digressing in brackets. Actually, am I digressing? Now that I ponder, I’m not certain.)
So, I’m going to write a totally fictional short story and will give the above-mentioned gang what they want. In other words, I shall play along and hope that people understand satire—or an attempt at such shenanigans.
Here is the story... I had just closed my daily devotional book called “Rules for Radicals” by my hero Saul Alinsky, when the phone rang. I answered only to hear a very familiar voice. It was the head of the local chapter of Black Lives Matter and he requested my immediate presence at a last-minute emergency meeting. I had nothing better to do because I have no job, of course. Plus my food stamps had not been replenished nor had my cash assistance, so the day was totally free.
The government money was due to arrive at any minute. I knew I’d have to keep checking throughout the day for said money. After all, I needed to exchange all my “free stuff” for drugs, cigarettes and alcohol if at all possible. This is what I do on a monthly basis and I certainly didn’t want to break my routine.
I attended the secret meeting at which we discussed ways to race bait and how to generally wreak havoc on society at large, and small. One of the major points of the agenda was to scream for the cold blooded murder of any and all police officers we might encounter in our paths.
After that gathering, I decided to swing by Planned Parenthood to ascertain whether or not any new baby body parts were up for auction. Much to my chagrin, they were fresh out but they did encourage me to abort my baby. The woman at the front desk didn’t realize that it’s just fat and I’m not, in reality, 8 months pregnant. See, it wouldn’t matter because they love to force women into terminating pregnancy at any stage of development.
Since that was a total bust, I thought maybe I’d go ahead and grab some guns and hand them into the government since Obama had requested that all liberals participate. I quickly decided against that because something else seized my attention.
I remembered that all of the local churches had decided to hold a food drive at the beach. There was no time like the present for me to assemble a bunch of other lefties and partake in some good old-fashioned Christian persecution. What a blast we were going to have. We all got together and formed a convoy of sorts. We called it a “godless heathen train” since there is no such thing as a liberal who actually believes in any sort of god. Just the thought is quite hilarious.
After all, we convene right after Halloween so we can prep for the War On Christmas. Various military-style maneuvers are practiced from that point until the big day. Just between you and me, all progressive types are fighting for a Constitutional amendment to actually outlaw the usage of the words Merry and Christmas. We demand that Happy Holidays be utilized instead. Shh, don’t tell anyone as we are going to officially announce this in November.
There happens to be a bakery adjacent to the beach area and it is owned by an evangelical Christian couple. It was simply too good to be true so we marched through that door and demanded that they “participate” in a gay wedding by baking a cake for the event. We adore forcing that type to conform to our way. Our group lives for stomping on their “religious freedom” to discriminate against those with whom they disagree.
After I left the beach region I had a conference call with the 97% of scientists who say that global warming is happening and is caused by human activities. Our group is running low on funding that we generally use in order to pay off those scientists to lie to the world about climate change. We are thinking of having one of those internet fund drives so we can keep up the charade for years to come. Our goal is to deny huge corporations the right to pollute the earth.
Directly after the conference call, I had a message in my email in-box about our efforts to transport poor African American voters to the polls in November. Of course we will be utilizing our illegal method of making sure they can all vote numerous times and not just once. We’ve been doing this for years. After all, it is another one of our goals to keep people living in poverty and in hideous conditions all so they will continue to vote for Democrats. I think we have it all planned out. We have gotten a list of dead people and will be registering them to vote over the next few months.
Oh dear, I must end this and now because I found out that my monthly government money has arrived. I’m thinking of getting a tattoo after I make that deal on the street and sell my “free hand-outs” for actual money. Do you think I should don the image of my savior Saul Alinsky for the rest of my days? I’m not sure what to do. It’s between my dear Saul or Bill Ayers. I’m in such a dilemma.