Lisa's Rants and Raves
I am over the top excited about a change in household rules that took place in between columns. I am going to include that in the headlines from non corporate news (HFNCN) section, so I need you to pay close attention to that portion. Heck, I shall simply plunk those headlines here and now.
Number One: “Supreme Court Ruling on Virginia Gov. McDonnell Could Make It Harder to Prosecute Corruption.” Number Two: “Report Finds Surge in Dark Money at State and Local Level.” Number Three: “Report: U.S. Airstrikes Killed At Least 7 Taliban Hostages.”
Number Four: “Volkswagen Agrees to Pay $14.7 Billion over Emissions Cheating Scandal.” Number Five: “Perpetual Agrees to Release Todd the Kitten from Harness Bondage and Allows Him to Roam Freely.”
Just in case you missed it, the headline of utmost importance would be number five. I have been Todd's defense counsel for several months and have cross examined Perpetual on numerous occasions. He finally gave in after the whole scandal came to light and is reluctantly letting the cat roam about the property.
Mind you, he is still ridiculously over-the-top protective to the point of absurdity, but Todd and I will indulge him for just a bit longer before we both flee into the night. (Or, in this case, FLEA, into the night. Get it?)
When the poor kitty gets anywhere near the bushes, which are close to the road, P explodes in rage. He then proceeds to summon Todd by doing this: “TODD!!! STOP IT!!!! DON'T GO NEAR THAT ROAD!!! GET OUT HERE RIGHT NOWWWWW!!!”
If you were a cat, would you listen to that *&^%$ or would you be so terrified, due to tone and volume, that you might contemplate pitching yourself directly onto Route 6? I always have to come to the rescue by simply calling him in a gentle yet effective manner.
Moving along to something else, I know that I casually mentioned Mother last week in this space, but I am going to blather on about her again this time. The woman is just a constant source of entertainment and I simply can't miss an opportunity to exploit her—I mean utilize her for entertainment purposes.
For those who don't know the layout of the Houserman Compound, I will fill you in briefly. I shall make another attempt at brevity but one never knows.
I live directly next door to the home in which Mother dwells. I grew up in that house as did Pumpkin (Sister Jill) and Brother Blaine. This house in which I currently find myself is owned by Pumpkin but it was Grandma and Grandpa Houserman's originally. Sister Pumpkin is the owner and Mother is the landlord since she lives in this state and Pumpkin dwells in the Houston, Texas, region. (Looking back on this paragraph, I don't think I needed to impart that much information about this joint. Therefore, I apologize for leading you to believe that it would be brief. Certainly this comes as no surprise to my loyal readers, does it?)
The bottom line is that Mother is my next door neighbor. The west side of her home is maybe about 100 feet from the east side of mine.
Now that we have that cleared up, I shall continue. Mother seems to have picked up a peculiar habit as of late which consists of calling me on the phone to tell me about the weather. A recent conversation went a bit like this: Lisa: (Reaching for the phone) “Hello.” Mother: (Simply launching into the subject without asking if I'm busy, bleeding to death, on the other line with a client, etc.) “It is absolutely gorgeous outside. I'm sitting on the back porch with a fan blowing on me. The sky is unbelievably blue and there are no clouds whatsoever. There's a wonderful breeze blowing through and it's just a beautiful day.” Lisa: “Mother, you do realize that I literally live in the same zip code as you. I think we even share the same weather patterns.” Mother: “Well, I know but I just had to tell you how nice it is out here.” END of ACT I.
This next one unfolded a few days later. Clearly the phone rang and I answered. Lisa: “Hello Mother.” Mother: (Same method of launching as mentioned above.) “If you have any outside work to do, now is the perfect time.” Lisa: “Well, I'm not sure that I have anything to do outside plus I have to start working soon.” Mother: “I'm just saying that the weather is perfect right now. I'm working in the shade and it's great because it hasn't gotten too hot yet.” Lisa: “Mother, are you wanting me to come over and help for a little bit?” Mother: “Actually, that would be good. I just need you to empty the garden cart periodically.” END of ACT II.
At that point I began to ponder on this whole giving me the weather whilst living 100 feet away situation. Something told me that there was more to this than just casually calling with an update on the obvious. Mother has been known to be slick about certain things rather than being forthright. I've mentioned this in previous columns and for those who know her personally, I'm certain you know of what I speak.
Bottom line is I concluded that Mother was simply announcing the weather conditions so that, in the first scenario, I might leap next door for a visit and, in the second scenario, I would loan her a hand with outdoor tasks.
I'm not sure why she decided to carry out the above-mentioned requests in such a cunning manner because she generally blurts things out without thinking first. She vacillates between the two methods of imparting information and/or asking questions.
As for Mother's definition of comfortable weather, we will have to agree to disagree. She is under the impression that using an outdoor fan will keep me cool when the temperature is 90 degrees with 1,000% humidity. I've written about this in the past but will remind folks that a fan does nothing but move super humid air from point A to point B. Fans are OK as long as the atmosphere in the room isn't able to be sliced violently with a machete.
My phone is ringing so I must dash. The caller ID says it's Mother so I'm fully prepared for a request to help with yard work disguised as a weather alert. Gotta run from the phone—I mean to answer the phone. Whew, that was close.