Short and sweet, describes both the column and the subject matter

Once again I shall utilize this space in order to give a person a birthday gift rather than actually going out to purchase something. Aren't I brilliant? Aren't I cheap? It's terrific, isn't it?

Also, I don't have to bloviate to the max because I shall supply a picture as well. I just love it when a birthday aids in my lazy behavior.

There is a very special day-of-birth on the horizon and it involves a man we've all come to know and adore. Well, those who actually know him in person might take issue with the word “adore” but you catch my drift, I'm quite certain.

Clearly I speak of none other than Perpetual. You may have ascertained that little fact due to the photo that was plunked somewhere on the page.

lisas perpetual joel meaderFor those who are reading this blather for the first time, I must offer my condolences. I should also explain that Perpetual is the nickname with which I dubbed my life partner of 13 years. He used to have an actual birth name but those days are behind us now as he answers to the P word more oft' than not.

P fell madly in love with me when I was a waitress at the world-famous greasy spoon called Mama Bear's Restaurant. Honestly, who could blame the man? After all, I am such a catch that men galore simply lived for me back then and possibly still do. (You may now remove the muck boots as I am done lying.)

I rarely utilize this space to praise anyone but will give it the old tuition-free-college try. (Sorry I couldn't resist mentioning a frightening aspect of DEMOCRATIC socialism. I shall work this jazz in whenever I can for your pain or pleasure. I think I'm finished digressing but stay tuned for more.)

As many of my faithful readers know, I often take aim at Mother and/or Perpetual on a semi-regular basis. However, I must be tender and loving for a moment when it comes to my darling P.

He has been a wonderful asset (note the “et” at the end) to the family and played a major role in raising The Child. Not to mention but I will, he has actually stayed with me, of all people, for over a decade. Can you imagine? For that alone he deserves much more than some words in a paper.

P is a rather low maintenance kind of individual and would be quite content to gaze at the telly for hours whilst draped in felines, for good measure.

Another activity that keeps him away from home as much as humanly possible would be fishing, hunting and/or any other outdoor festivity. I cannot fathom why he would not want to spend every waking moment with your humble columnist, can you?

When it comes to dinner as long as some type of death is on the menu he is as happy as a lark. (Why are larks so darn pleased with life?) Speaking of cooking, he carries out that torturous and rather hideous activity quite frequently and enjoys it. If he didn't, he might starve to death but I digress once again.

Something amazing about Perpetual is that he is mistaken for an ATM machine on a regular basis. I'm not sure if this has something to do with his being vertically challenged or what but it is quite remarkable. Of course I would NEVER take advantage of that. I'm totally innocent in this particular regard.

Since I want to leave room for the picture, thereby avoiding having to type any longer, I shall casually end this love fest and pronto.

I will simply stop the madness by stating that I am honestly grateful for my dear, sweet Perpetual and wish him the best birthday possible. (Whew! Do you think he will expect an actual present or will this suffice? Stay tuned next week for how this all worked out in the wash.)