Safe water and slot machines

This might come as a total shock to society at large and small but I have no subject matter this week on which to elaborate.

Instead of leaving this area blank and/or placing a rerun, I thought I would utilize the method that has served me well (?) in the past. I shall simply type out random thoughts as they float to the forefront of the overly cluttered area that is my mind.

In lieu of the current Flint Michigan water crisis, I thought I should let people in on a secret: Conneautville officials meticulously test the water on a very consistent basis. I guess it isn't really that clandestine as I do mention that fact in my monthly borough council reports.

According to a Valley insider, who shall remain nameless and faceless, Jerry Chamberlain is, “well versed on the water domain.” I have gathered that he attends various water safety seminars, for lack of a better description, and keeps up with the system in general.

I would be remiss if I did not mention Clint Prince too because he is an integral part of the upkeep, etc., right alongside JC.

Wait—something is going on with me and I'm not sure what to think, say or do. Do you realize that this is the second “rave-type-statement” of the year? I should probably schedule an emergency appointment with my counselor over the whole thing.

In terms of other municipalities, those would be Roseanne's department and her reports are beyond thorough. Something tells me that she may have alerted the readership if she had uncovered something scandalous. For example, if she had discovered that a local governmental official had basically poisoned the citizenry all in the name saving a few bucks, I'm thinking she would have headlined it.

How absolutely “reporterish” of her in this hypothetical scenario. Just remember that this is what unfolded in Flint. When one cuts to the chase and unpacks the balderdash, it is the disgusting bottom line.

If you haven't a clue about Flint, Michigan, I must assume that you have just been awakened from that infamous cryogenic freeze of which I've spoken on numerous occasions. I am not going to blather on about it. HELLO!!!! Get off that floor as it is rude and inappropriate to the max.

Moving along to whatever else hits me, I did something that I've never done in my life last Sunday. This wouldn't be the Sunday that we just had but the one before. Get your minds out of the gutter please. I cannot believe how some of you jump to THAT conclusion. My goodness, this is a family paper. (Speaking of which, I'm not really clear about why I call the Community News a family paper. Honestly, I cannot conjure an image of a mother tenderly reading a headline about Sadsbury Township Supervisors to her toddler at bedtime. I'm done digressing at this time.)

Here is the part of the column in which I divulge the big reveal. Here it is: I actually participated in gambling related festivities and trekked to a casino. Since I do not have money for such shenanigans, I simply gambled with Perpetual's (domestic partner) dough. Mind you, he did not even tag along but tucked a few bucks in the elastic area of my shorts just to be cute. The fact that I wear stretch type attire should alert you to the fact that my current figure prohibits me from becoming an exotic dancer—much to your collective delight.

You see, a certain other nameless and faceless individual asked me to travel to Erie, PA, and partake in this activity—the GAMBLING not the above-mentioned. I had no idea as to how it all worked and frankly, I'm still not certain.

I found myself simply pressing buttons with speed and agility and hoping for the best. Just to be clear and illustrate how out of the norm gaming is for me, I think attending a massive tent revival would be more up my alley. Mind you, I am legally Jewish.

I kid you not when I say that I still could not fully expound on all things slot machine. I do not understand how I collected any winnings at all but was pleased to have broken even, as the saying goes. (Perpetual was thrilled to the marrow as well, for reasons that should be abundantly obvious.)

Experts in attendance were quite friendly and tried, in vain, to educate us. You see, I thought that we would pull levers and look for three kinds of fruit to line up in a row. I literally, and you know I only use that word in a literal manner, didn't comprehend. I did enjoy the sound effects and graphics associated with winning and scoring points.

From what I could gather, said points are collected and stored on a card. My particular card was purple, which made my day. The card is inserted into each and every device and remains in place whilst Person A gazes adoringly at the contraption before him/her. I think it allows Person A to return to the scene at a later date and collect free stuff. (You know, the things that liberals are accused of wanting.)

Have you surmised that supplying “sustenance” to a ravenous piece of colorful and vocal equipment probably won't morph into a new hobby? No offense but I found it to be quite mind numbing, silly and coma inducing. Did I mention that there is no skill or thought process to any of it, unless one plays an actual poker game?

HOWEVER, with all that being said, I must confess that it was compelling in some demented way. I actually had total FUN when all was said and done. (I made a slight rhyme.) I'm sure it was due to the charming nature and bubbly attitude of my co-gambler.

Side note: The “no offense” portion of that statement just illustrated a subject on which I've elaborated in columns of yesteryear. Anytime Person B says, “no offense,” it will be followed by words that are certain to offend a certain segment of society. In other words, I'm sure that gamblers across the reading area are delighted with this piece.

Well, we've learned two things from this blather: I'm fairly boring and I seem to associate with “nameless and faceless” people. With that, I shall release you from bondage.