Lisa's Rants and Raves
Did you find yourself dodging falling confetti and pushing balloons out of your path on the way to collect this very paper? Could you make out the sound of uplifting celebratory music playing in the distance? Were you suddenly hit with an overwhelming feeling of pure joy as you seized this issue?
If nothing of that nature unfolded then you are not alone, as it has only happened in my warped mind. I'm sure you find that hard to believe thus far, if hard to believe is now defined as par for the course.
You see, my darling readers, I have officially been employed by this award winning publication for nine splendid years, as of sometime last week.
I didn't begin to drive all in my path to reach for guns, medication, drinks, illegal drugs, lighters, etc., until about two weeks into my tenure. In other words, Rants and Raves did not begin to appear until the September 11, 2006 issue. The infamous date should have been some kind of indicator of things to come and perhaps it was, now that I reflect.
At any rate, that is the story. I've been working for the chief for nine years and I think it only appropriate to offer him some sort of sympathy at this time. I think a greeting card or a nice email or letter would suffice. The man does not partake in alcoholic beverages or I would have recommended a case of whiskey be delivered to him pronto.
This column is not going to be super uplifting or compelling, just in case that slipped by you during my ridiculous opening statement.
I am, once again, utilizing the method of pulling whatever comes to mind out of that thick gray matter in order to let it flow through my fingers and pour onto this page. To clarify, I'm going to blather on incessantly about whatever comes to mind.
This week news of a national nature was absolutely hideous, to put it mildly. I refuse to get into it because I am under the impression, perhaps false, that you tune in for some kind of relief from the everyday horrid situations in which we find ourselves, on a regular basis. Now, from time to time I do find it necessary to be serious, but this isn't really one of those occasions. I will not bring you down and will instead make a feeble attempt at entertainment in some vague way, shape or form. How's it working so far? Not so much, huh?
As I was pounding out all of the above mentioned jazz, the column gods handed me a slight gift for which I am very grateful. You see, a certain celebrity, turned force of nature, has hit the telly with speed and agility. For your reading pleasure, I shall simply type a few words and phrases, as they are spoken by said individual. Then, you get to guess from whose lips they flowed. What total fun. Let us begin.
Tremendous, disaster, stupid, very, love, jobs, doesn't have a clue, we will get it fixed, China, Mexico, take jobs back, they will build the wall and pay for it, I love women, I love the Bible, I'm not going to answer that, I don't think people care about an actual plan, we need to take the country back.
OK, did you guess yet? Those are all examples of something I call,“Trumpisms.” If you still haven't a clue then I don't know what to do. Hey, I made a rhyme. Donald Trump is the answer, of course.
I've taken note over the past few months, weeks, and/or what seems like decades since this man appeared on our daily radar, and those are, indeed, a few of his favorite things, to borrow a phrase, (out of sheer laziness and/or apathy).
I will refrain from imparting my total, not partial, views of this particular human being. I feel that doing so could lead to an arrest or a dismissal from employment due to the massive cussing campaign on my part. I'm just wondering if you have noticed the key Trumpisms in terms of his speech pattern.
I also have favorite words and sayings such as delightful, totally, to the max, impart, insane, blather, above-mentioned, digress, in terms of and a plethora of others. However, and you knew that was coming, I actually would like a candidate to possess a stronger vocabulary than I. Call me crazy—yeah, yeah, whatever.
I shall now back away gently, yet effectively, (there is another one), from the man who is LEADING in the GOP polls thus far. (We are all doomed—I couldn't resist.)
Hey, it just hit me that I think I've actually completed a column or what passes for one these days. I mean other than digressing, and doing so in parenthesis, I've covered it all. I even managed to not really have a topic on which to stick. Now that I ponder, I think this whole mess could be considered to be one giant digression, so there.
Good gravy, hold me. LOOK, two more examples of my beloved terminology. I believe an opportunity has presented itself for me to declare the words we've all grown to love: THE END.