I'm confused

Because of the serious tone of my previous piece, I felt it was time to take a casual approach this week. I shall do so whilst whistling. You see, any time I use the word “casual,” I think of whistling. I'm not sure why but it could have something to do with my Houston days.

Now that I ponder, it does. It is related directly to my trying to be nonchalant in order to impress a love interest, which should come as no surprise. I recall telling my friend to act casual—whistle even. I am actually digressing in my intro, which has not occurred in a long time. Therefore, I'm already giddy with joy as I begin this cockamamie column.

In sticking with the title, I shall start each new subject with, “I'm confused.” Again, I have to ask you to extinguish all impure and despicable thoughts at this time. We are prepping for take off and this is a family paper. Rein it in. (Those of you under the age of fifty might not understand. I speak of a simpler and more carefree time in life, when a pilot would announce, over the plane's audio system, that all smoking materials must be extinguished, since the plane was jetting skyward. Oh, those were the days my friends. Yes, I've digressed again and in parenthesis.)

I am now starting this gibber-jabber so buckle up, keep seats in the upright position and put trays back in place.

I'm confused as to why Edna, (the van), for one example, must purr like a kitten in terms of the noise factor, to pass state inspection. On the other hand, it is absolutely acceptable—preferable actually, for a motorcycle to take on the sound of a sonic boom as it whizzes by.

Did I mention that this generally happens as the bike is traveling at the speed of light? Did I also point out that the sudden disturbance in the surrounding atmosphere can lead to the cat on the lap inflicting serious bodily damage?

I'm confused as to why a computer asks a person to, “please wait,” as it performs a function. What option does the human operator have? Would she ever have a choice in the matter? Could he simply refuse to bow to that particular command and protest via obscene Italian hand gestures? Believe me, I've tried and it's no use.

I'm confused as to why Person A thinks that polite dinner banter includes presenting details about gastrointestinal disorders. Did I state that this oft' coincides with Person B inserting a chunk of pot roast with gravy into his mouth? That sort of meal chatter is not socially acceptable, just in case you were not aware.

I have found that the above-mentioned is not limited to just the men in our lives. This uncouth behavior crosses the gender and income gap quite frequently, now that I reflect.

I'm confused when it comes to the GOP in terms of the next presidential election. Every other day another politician announces his/her candidacy. At this point I think it might be just as effective if news outlets were to simply show us a list of those who are NOT making the attempt.

Staying on that theme for a moment, if moment is now defined as an eternity, some of those who have declared their intentions seem to be, uh, kinda delusional. Just one example lies below.

Does the smarmy—I mean charming, Ted Cruz honestly think he has a chance? I'm now going to out my dear mother—not that kind of “outing,” simmer down. Mother and I both find him to be, well, how can I say this gracefully... CRINGE-WORTHY. There, I said it. Whenever we find ourselves being held captive during the news when he is bloviating, for instance, we both feel icky and in need of a strong disinfectant, the whole time. I think that sums it up.

Also, I'm not clear on whether or not any of the candidates in question happen to be religious. OK you caught me. I was being way more sarcastic than usual, if that's even possible.

Not only are the presidential hopefuls in a battle to win the nomination, they also appear to be in a frenzy to prove who is the most pious of the bunch. Before you accuse me of being the only one taking note, a dear Christian friend of mine, who happens to lean toward the right, brought this to my attention. I can say with utmost confidence that the average American is abundantly aware of the fact that they are ALL total, not partial, believers—to the max, even.

Moving along at last, I'm confused as to why some people assume that you already know about something when there is no reason why you should. This might be best illustrated with an epic tale from long ago. Aren't you overwhelmed with anticipation?

I casually, while whistling, I'm sure, telephoned a business. I asked to speak with Blank. (Clearly I am not going to divulge the business or the name of the person with whom I was trying to make contact.) I said, “Hello, this is Lisa from the Community News, is Blank around by chance?” I was, in turn, met with an absolutely gregarious, warm and gentle reply. It went a little something like this, “HE'S NOT AVAILABLE!!!” I was taken aback but cheerfully continued by saying that I would simply try back the next day. “NO you won't, LISA!! Blank is in the hospital,” was the reply which boomed over the phone and blew out my left ear.

After I retrieved my heart from my foot, I said that I had no clue and asked how I would. I was rather firm in my questioning as his/her phone manner was over-the-top, to put it mildly, and I did not deserve such treatment. Again I was snapped to full attention by the stern statement that Blank was hospitalized. I told Rude Receptionist that I wished the best for Blank and then I released her/him from the unbearable bondage of having to talk over the phone.

Evidently, the whole deal was a colossal mistake on my part. I mean, how horrid of me to simply state that I would try back the next day. What was I thinking? My psychic abilities were on the fritz at that time. I should have KNOWN that “he's not available” now translates to, “he's in the hospital.” Boy am I dumb.

I'm confused when it comes to a specific aspect of cellphone usage. In this case I'm talking about a hand's free doohickey. For my elderly readers, such as myself, I shall elaborate a touch.

There is a little gizmo called a Bluetooth, which enables the talker to converse without having to hold the phone to the ear, heaven forbid. The gadget is placed on the ear but is sometimes hard to spot.

Because of this, I can no longer ascertain whether a lone person strolling down the street talking is, in reality, having a real conversation via the Bluetooth thingamabob. In the days of my youth, we could usually determine on which side of the road to walk if we spied a human being carrying on a full-blown conversation with himself. We no longer have that luxury. Therefore, I recommend leaping to the opposite sidewalk if you glimpse such shenanigans, just to play it safe.

Well ladies and gentlemen, we have now reached our cruising altitude and you are free to maneuver about the cabin. In other words, I'm done. - THE END.