Dog attire and religion?

I know you were totally depressed, suicidal and beside yourselves due to the fact that I had no column whatsoever last week. Calm down, take a cleansing breath and think delightful thoughts, as all is now well in the land of computers.

If you have no idea of what I speak then, well, shame on you, for one, and for two, I had computer problems last week and couldn't submit any kind of column, rerun or otherwise. Things have returned to normal, or as normal as it gets in this home, and I've conjured some thoughts to entertain the masses (?) this week.

Wow, I'm really going to have to try and live up to the expectations that I've now set for myself. Wish me well in doing so.

It's been a while since I penned random numbered thoughts in this space. Therefore, I shall use that particular method this time. It's doubtful that I will have more than two or three so be prepared for, well, nothing much.

One: I'm wondering why it is when couples decide not to give birth to actual human beings, they instead treat household pets like mortal offspring. Now, before you think I'm hideous, and we all know that I am, I mean couples who DECIDE to refrain from having children. This does not pertain to those who/whom have certain issues of a medical nature and cannot. Get it?

I've been closely associated with those who refuse to bring a child into this hideous world and yet, they schlep a dog along to all destinations. Not only but, some insist on dressing said canine in all sorts of non-dog-like costumes. Actually, I can't think of a single dog-like outfit but, I digress.

The unfortunate smaller breeds can oft' be found concealed in a large purse or, heaven forbid, in an actual baby buggy, donning baby attire or some such nonsense. Do they still call them baby buggies? I'm on a digression roll. Hold me.

Some couples allow Fido to share sleeping space—and I don't just mean in the bedroom but, rather in the bed. No wonder having children might be problematic if you catch my subtle drift.

I just don't get this whole craze and, frankly, it makes me totally mad. I know it's none of my concern as to whether or not the Jones family decides to procreate. However, I want that *&^%$ Jones family to join the rest of us parents in the land of misery. Is that asking too much?

I confess that my only child was an oops but, I'm super glad he's around. I simply don't have the energy to walk or dress a dog so, my kid has been a mixed breed—I mean blessing, so to speak.

Backing away from that controversy, and causing another one all at once, I am going to briefly touch on a subject that is generally strictly taboo...religion. Good gravy, did I just type that?

Two: Why is it that we are “allowed” to grill Person A about all sorts of subjects like, his political views, favorite football team, philosophical outlook, etc., but we cannot take him to task concerning religious beliefs?

Why can't Person B simply ask why it is that Person A holds a particular position in terms of a higher power? This is very puzzling to me and I really want an answer on my desk by next Monday, please.

I've actually tried to engage in such discussions with very close friends. Many friends do reply and we have had respectful conversations. However, there are some for whom any kind of question leads them to flee the region with cucumbers stuffed ears as to avoid my supposed “faith shaking” question on the table.

I just think that, due to the recent faith-based uproar in the world, (actually recent is NOT the right word but indulge me), people should be prepared to impart exactly why they believe what they believe. Call me insane—stop it, but that is my take on the situation. We all should be comfortable enough with our beliefs or non-beliefs to explain our outlook to others. The religious should not be terrified of having said faith stripped away just from a simple question. Does that make a lick of sense?

I have to tip my hat to my mother, shocking but true, as she always tries her best to answer all of my inquiries pertaining to the subject at hand. She does not exit the area like a madwoman, hands over ears whilst screaming out, “la di da do daaaa.” Isn't she wonderful? Actually, my boss is very good in terms of listening to my ramblings and doing his best to clarify his position, as well. I guess he's outstanding too, well, for the most part. (Just checking to see if you are reading this, Chief).

I am now releasing you from bondage at this time. I will probably go into hiding due to the subject matter above. I actually have to dash out to purchase a puppy outfit for the above-mentioned Jones family as they are expecting a new arrival. Along the way, I will corner an unsuspecting pastor and interrogate him to the max. Wish me well...or not.