WARNING: The following information could cause a total disturbance in the time-space-continuum. It might take you aback, shock the system and, in general, lead to an explosive brain overload. Therefore, I strongly suggest that you inhale deeply, take a seat and prepare your minds for life-altering data intake.
Are you intrigued? Did I capture your full attention? Well, it's all down hill from here but at least I tried.
Over the last few weeks, I have observed a phenomenon that is absolutely astounding. I shall now reveal what it is but, again, I need you to proceed with caution while perusing this nonsense.
Here is what I've ascertained as of late. The media, yes, THE media, tends to cause massive panic attacks across the land, from time to time. They do so by prattling on incessantly about one particular topic until the audience is petrified beyond recognition. It's totally true. I read about it on a cocktail napkin.
I know that the above-mentioned is a subject that has never been broached before. I just love being a pioneer in terms of alerting my readers to earth shattering blurbs, such as that.
Here's the deal. For the last ten days, give or take, we've been verbally pelted with pollution pertaining to the E word. In case you've been snoozing under a large rock formation, E stands for Ebola. This was such urgent news that every outlet headlined with horrific sagas about Person X displaying symptoms, due to coming into direct contact with Person B's bodily fluids. Note, MOST of said sufferers were in the medical field and were not just casual citizens of these fine United States. I did say, MOST, in case you missed it.
No matter, it still generated collective bouts of hysteria. Special panels convened, on the nightly news, in order to alarm the public even further.
Here is an example of the effect this had on a person with whom I am closely associated. A nickname will be utilized to protect the madman—I mean, the fine, upstanding gent.
This person, henceforth known as TT, (Terrified Traveler), morphed into a crazed lunatic over the whole situation.
Because of the never-ending coverage of E, TT had no other choice in life other than to focus strictly on E research. He created pie charts, for presentation purposes, bought actual hospital-style gloves, to don during an upcoming flight and, in general, was prepared to be disinfected, (“Silkwood” style), enveloped in bubble wrap and stashed away on the porch of Funk & Wagnalls.
The hermetically sealed storage drum, in which he was to rest on said porch, caused his claustrophobia to kick in but that's another saga for another day.
I gently, yet not-very-effectively, pointed out to TT, that he had a better chance of catching some kind of staph infection than he had of getting E from flying commercially. I also imparted to him that sometimes the media simply won't let go of a story.
Somehow, my full report didn't sooth him one iota. In fact, TT was last seen pulling a Houdini as he tried, in vain, to free himself from the bubble wrap in the baggage claim area of some unsuspecting Florida airport.
The interesting thing about TGEC2014, (The Great Ebola Crisis of 2014), is that it has swiftly been overshadowed. Yes, TGEC2014 went POOF the other day when, surprise, surprise, another tragic event came to light. Isn't it odd how that happens when it comes to the media?
The incident in question involved an attack of the terrorist variety, on our Canadian friends. I will not get into the details since it has been the main thesis of the news for days. Plus, I can't do everything for you. It's up to you to perhaps carry out some sort of research after I spoon feed you this jazz.
I mean, I love that you trust my word to the max. However, on very, very rare occasions, I've been known to, well, maybe exaggerate a touch or get a fact or two mixed up. Only on RARE occasions, mind you.
So, without any question, TGEC2014 simply vanished, disappeared, went away, said bye-bye, tipped its hat, rode off into the sunset and, evidently, became less deadly.
I guess we don't have to worry about that pesky disease anymore now, do we? All is simply delightful in the world—wait, we do have anchor people bloviating about the terror threat yet again. That, alone, should keep us warm, cozy and content until the next breaking news unfolds.
I'm certain that, in the near future, we will be revisited by TGEC2014. We must keep that merry-go-round pony waiting in the wings for a slow news day.
With that, I'm off. I must ready myself for the afternoon news. I will take it in from my underground bunker, whilst wearing a hazmat suit, clutching a pillow and rocking gently back and forth in a corner as I sing myself a soothing lullaby. It's simply in my nature to do so.
THE END.