Why, oh why?

Several “why, oh why” questions have surfaced in my demented mind and I thought that I would jot them down for posterity.

Why do we utilize super human efforts in order to let a neighbor or friend, whom we see daily or with frequency, know that we are indeed in the same store or on the same roadway? What I mean by this might be best described with an illustration. (I live for making up these little acts so now is my chance.)

Gilda Goldstein stopped over for a visit with Sheila Sherman on a Thursday morning. Later, Sheila was traveling to town for some supplies and spotted Gilda's car ahead. Passengers were on board in the Sherman vehicle and suddenly, the whole car was filled with chatter and excitement.

“There's Gilda,” little Shelby Sherman exclaimed. “Let's get her,” said a delighted Seth Sherman.

Sheila floored the gas, whipped in and out of traffic, dodged the senior citizen crossing the road and yelled an apology to the dazed homeowner for side swiping his mailbox.

Mind you, the above was carried out all in the name of catching up with Gilda in order to frantically wave to her through closed car windows.

Another example is the sheer thrill to the marrow one gets when catching a glimpse of a best friend at any kind of venue. He might wave arms in the manner of one executing partial jumping jacks, whilst simultaneously bellowing across the room, store, church or whatever, to get the attention of Best Friend.

This has always cracked me up and I too am guilty as charged of the over zealous pursuit of folks I see daily.

What is it with this? Are we programmed to only picture these people in our homes or in theirs and when we are out of our natural habitat we freak out? I just don't get it.

Another why is why have we become so offended over everything? We have evolved into a society of goofy offended lunatics.

We also take great measures, almost heroic, in order to not utter an offensive statement lest we be offended right back. This has been taken to levels of absurdity.

I'm sick of being offended, being accused of being offensive and of hearing the word “offend” constantly.

Buck up. Stop with the tissue paper feelings ladies and gents. Let's have a conversation without the fear of offending someone to the max by uttering some silly comment. I am not suggesting that we become barbarians and drop “F bombs” or racial slurs every other second, but please, get a grip.

Hence forth I am going on a rampage of the most offensive nature. This column is a prime example. Someone out there is no doubt offended by something I have written. Mission accomplished.

The last why is, why do people behind the counter of a certain convenience store seem to be stingy with offering a bag? Now, I have observed this at one store in particular, which I will not mention by name. It ends with a Z.

Anyhow, I have entered the facility and purchased 5 packs of cigarettes—Oops, I mean packs of gum, a half gallon of milk and a newspaper.

“Do you want a bag?” I was asked. The clerk seemed taken aback when I replied, “No, I thought I'd balance some of it on my head.”

That is just one of the many examples. Do the implements of transport cost a fortune or something? Do the workers get special incentives, bonuses or trips to the Bahamas for conserving bags?

Well, I'm done. I'm off to purchase just enough items as to confuse the clerk and cause him massive internal conflict as he asks himself that eternal question: To offer or not to offer (a bag)? That is the question.

After that, I must plow down all in my path at Ralston's Hardware - all in order to say hello to my mother.

While in the hardware, I shall carry on a most offensive, political, religious and downright rude conversation with Richard, P.J. or some other victim of my equal opportunity offending practices.