Know Thy cell(f)

As many of you realize, last week we experienced a tragic event that, quite possibly, could have led to our total downfall as a civilization. This crisis rendered us useless as human beings and led many to rend clothing and clutch sackcloth for dear life. (A slight variation from the Bible, I know).

Believe it or not, I speak not of the Israel-Gaza situation or any other actual important world event. No, I am talking about how some kind of fiber optic line, wire, whatever they use, was cut, by mistake, causing the entire region to be incommunicado.

Wasn't that the absolute worst calamity that you've ever endured? I mean, to use my favorite phrase, it was hideous. “No phone, no lights, no motor cars, not a single luxury, like Robinson Crusoe, as primitive as can be,” wait, that's the Gilligan's Island theme song. Sorry. Well, it felt like the above-mentioned Island tune at the time, er, sort of.

Moving along, I had no way to actually work for this paper, which, as you know, is my whole reason for breathing, and had to occupy myself with other activities. (That is, if the word “activities” is now defined as mind-numbing-nothingness.)

Now, most folks would hit the beach, read a book, watch telly or maybe, just perhaps, carry out some needed household duties. I decided, instead, to ascertain the inner workings of an object that never ceases to amaze me. I spent hours transfixed by this gadget and unearthed a treasure trove of knowledge.

I'm talking about my sudden fascination with my charming cellphone. Many people did not have cell service either and I was one, of the very few, who did. However, it was very sporadic, at best.

That mattered not because I really couldn't call anyone for ads since they had no phones. I was in a pickle, as you can imagine. What is with that saying, “in a pickle?” I don't get it and would like a full report on my desk, asap, with the answer, or a theory, at the very least. Yes, I digressed because it was time.

Were you aware of the fact that one can take pictures with a cellular unit? I'm certain that you've read about this on a cocktail napkin but, I will fill you in on the particulars.

The art of aiming a cell camera at the face, whilst holding said apparatus at arm's length, quite literally, is called “taking a selfie.” Personally, I think this is silly, to put it mildly, but, during the outage, I was up for most any form of entertainment.

Therefore, I could be spotted on my porch, in very awkward positions, trying, in acts of contorted desperation, to snap a shot of myself. I honestly felt super ridiculous. Dare I say, I was almost, ALMOST, embarrassed—it takes a lot to actually embarrass me. I giggled while being filled with paranoia over possibly being “caught” in the act of forbidden photographic maneuvering.

Why do people carry out the mad behavior of taking a self portrait? I really am unclear on the sitch, (situation), and would also like a full report pertaining to such asap.

Moving by that to yet another discovery...I can now send a text message! Hold the phone—no pun. I'm leaving out some pertinent details which I shall confess now.

Here's the thing, I really stink at the whole texting scenario and am admitting it freely, in public for all to hear. Yes, all three of my loyal readers now understand my inability to hit tiny letters on a phone in order to send a note, when simply dialing would be convenient and more socially acceptable. Wow, that was quite a sentence.

It took me LITERALLY 15 tries to send a quick note to a friend. Whilst it was sending, it was sluggish, at best. This caused me to act in the manner of a person attending an 80s rock concert in that I slowly waved the phone in the air like a rocker with a lighter would have done back in the days of big hair bands.

Then, miraculously, I got better, much to the chagrin of all inhabitants of the Eastern seaboard. Actually, California was infected by LHCNTS, (Lisa Houserman can now text syndrome), too, now that I ponder. Just ask brother Blaine.

Speaking of Blaine, I was able to utilize the camera feature and I took a pic of a pic of us. Yes, you read that right. I then sent it, along with a brief note, to the poor dear. This actually took place later in the day, when we finally were up and running with house phones and the Internet.

Aah, the sheer joy that fiddling around with a cellphone can bring. Now, there is a moral to the story and it's this: I must get a real life and pronto. I realize that might take some time for you to absorb as it is deeply moving and profound to the max.

I shall let you digest the whole saga. In other words, this is the part of the column where I try, in vain, to sew it all up and leave you. How was that?