Fishgate 2014

Miracles never cease, as I'm penning another original column this week. It's shocking, lurid and true.

I will not be utilizing the old five paragraph intro, this time, because I'm brimming with ire o' plenty, which should aid in my attempt to fill space. (Does ire fill anything, really?)

Moving along, as I've mentioned, I watch a show on Fox News called “Red Eye.” It airs at 3 am so I tape it and view it every weekday morning before I spring into action and work for this delightful publication. (Perhaps I shouldn't utilize the word “tape,” since I'm not sure if it's still socially acceptable in the modern age. I should have said that I “DVR it,” which would, in essence, turn a noun into a verb, one of my favorite things, as I mentioned in a previous piece. Yes, I'm digressing in parenthesis. Isn't this fun?)

At any rate, while viewing Red Eye, the other morning, I took in the most insane data and felt compelled to share it, as is my nature.

Dig this one...There is a breed of carp that is, evidently, wreaking havoc on the ecosystem of the Great Lakes by gobbling up plankton and other life-affirming-underwater-necessities. Well, the name of said monster is the “Asian Carp.”

This is where the story becomes so polluted with political correctness that a bottom feeder might be needed to tidy up the sorted mess.

A member of the Minnesota State Senate actually conjured a bill that would change the name of the fish as to not...are you ready...OFFEND Asians. They actually spent taxpayer time and money for this blob of male bovine excrement.

Mind you, the fish was kidnapped and forced to enter the US of A years ago. From where did they take the fish, you ask? Hmm, it was from areas within ASIA, hence the name.

Democratic Senator John Hoffman is the Minnesota man who has his finger on the pulse of that state, since he's the person who brought this horrendous crime against humanity to the forefront of the Minnesota higher ups. (Heavy sarcasm was intended and I'm glad you already understood that.)

The governor did approved a bill to rename the fish. I never, in a month of full moons, thought that I would type these words: “...approved a bill to rename the FISH.” Good gravy, pass me the whiskey.

So, the name has been changed, to protect the “outraged,” and our scaly foe is now called “invasive carp.”

I shall give you a full minute to soak up this information...Time's up. Can you believe the sheer madness of it all?

I'm wondering if there might be more pressing issues unfolding in the Land of 10,000 Lakes. Hmm let me just check the Internet for some details. Hold on...

Golly gee, I found something that might, possibly, be more important than renaming a fish. I'm simply copying and pasting the headline: “Midwest Flooding Crisis Likely to Worsen as Storms Return to Minnesota, Iowa, Wisconsin, South Dakota, Nebraska” (I took this from the Weather Channel online.)

The above blather is just one, of many, problems Minnesota is facing. I didn't want to bombard my readership, (all three of you), with news pertaining to all things Minnesota so I just used that as one example.

Not to mention, but I will, the name change has taken the focus off the fact that the Asian Carp—Oops, I meant the invasive carp, is a legitimate threat. However, we cannot dwell on that aspect as we must not cause other cultures to suffer horrid mental anguish. It's way more important to protect tissue paper feelings than it is to address the real concern, you silly goose.

This column is coming to an abrupt end. Sorry but I have to dash out and approach our local representative. I'm on a mission to ban the use of “Wandering Jew.” I'm appalled, infuriated, insulted and plain furious over that particular plant handle. While I'm at it, I shall speak on behalf of our Mormon friends and push to 86 the use of “Mormon cricket.” Or, I could just say home and play a nice, healthy game of Chinese Checkers with my kid—Oh no, there's another one. Hold me and wish me luck.