Guidance for grads

The following is a piece from this same time last year. Oh stop your bellyaching. It is an appropriate theme for this particular date. Therefore, not only will you see it in print this year but, I shall also run it annually in future graduation issues of the world-famous, award-winning, Community News. Thank you and feel free to stop again or drive through, you pick. (This is Lisa in the year 2017. I wanted to say that I'm jazzing this up a bit and making some additions so, it might be worth a read again.)

Guidance (?)

for grads

UPDATED for 2017!

It's that time of year again when certain teens are emancipated from the halls of bondage and are let loose to roam the terrain in search of, well, something. In other words, kids are graduating. I wrote the first sentence in that manner to hopefully grab the attention of the readership.

Anyhow, since I know that our fine grads are clamoring for advise from an over-the-hill- semi-successful newspaper woman, I shall indulge their needs by penning some terrific advise. (Good gravy, did I just type something about advise? Hold me.)

Before I morph into some sort of know-it-all-information-spewing loon, I should point out that some of the content below has been broached in past columns. However, this is not a rerun in the true sense of the word, as I've never acted as a grad consultant here in Rants and Raves.

I think I will approach this in the fashion of a top ten list—but with fewer than ten. Here goes....

Number One: College isn't for everyone. I know parents across the region are gasping. Grandmothers are clutching pearls and fathers are reaching for pitchforks. I care not. Someone must say this and I'm just that person.

Trade schools, apprenticeships and other opportunities, that won't break the bank, are available for the youth of our nation to snatch. There is no use in going into debt if you are not the college type. Not only but, sometimes a student cannot find employment in his/her particular field of study upon exiting college.

Number Two: If you decide to simply work for someone, that's wonderful but remember this...No matter what the job, please, for the love of everything loveable, dress accordingly for the interview. When I say “accordingly,” I mean wear your Sunday best. (For my fellow heathens, this means to wear something that might be donned at a church service.)

Even if the job description entails digging ditches or shoveling out horse stalls, it's best to follow the advice of my darling parents and dress up, for crying in a bucket.

Number Three: Learn to shake hands in an appropriate manner. I cannot tell you the number of times I've reached for a hand, only to be met with a limp, lifeless appendage with absolutely no get up and go.

Thrust that mitt forward, seize the hand of Person A and give it a good, firm shake—approximately two to three times in an upward and downward manner. This advise goes out to men, women and children alike. Just do it.

Number Four: Learn self censorship when it comes to all things social media. Pictures depicting glorious you dancing atop a pool table or participating in massive games of drink are best left off the Internet at all costs. I read in a magazine that this type of insane behavior can come back to haunt a person. I would not know about it from personal experience so stop with those thoughts. I SAID I read it in a magazine article.

Number Five: It seems like this time every year there is a horrid car accident involving graduates. Now, this is very serious and I'm not attempting to be sarcastic or funny. (Believe it or not, I've tried to be entertaining thus far but I'm failing miserably.)

Kids are going to drink at parties and there is simply no getting around that factoid. However, some precautionary measures should be taken on the part of said kid.

Do not attend any gathering without a sober driver. I know that many teens do not partake in alcohol consumption so, it's a good time to befriend one of them. Another thought is to turn the keys over to the supposed adult of the party household. Even if you are as sober as a tick, another person might not be. More of my father's advice on this one: All other drivers are drunken idiots.

You are young but are not invincible. Please have fun but honestly consider the above-mentioned blather before heading out for a night of ___________(fill in the blank.)

Number Six: I'm heading back to the job interview at this point. You must learn to practice tough love in terms of cellphone usage. No matter how many times your phone throws a temper tantrum by beeping, signaling, vibrating or dancing the tango, you are the boss and you must remember that. If you have no other option, restrain the *&%$ phone by utilizing duct tape, rope or some other implement of suppression. Place whatever you chose over the object and lock it in the car—yes, you may leave the window cracked for its breathing pleasure if you insist.

Person A does not want to chat with you whilst you are in a yoga position attempting to “casually” text. This not only rings true for job interviews but for social intercourse in general. In other words, back away from the phone. Plus, isn't it high time to take a break from this unhealthy relationship? Don't be a slave to the communication devise any longer.

For those who have been waiting to exhale, the time has come. In other words, I'm done with this, (sound of throat clearing), fabulous, two cents' worth, gobbledegook.

THE END.