Me, myself and I

Something horribly disturbing has come to my attention in the past few months and I must share it pronto.

In all honesty, this is a subject that our delightfully charming and stunning next door neighbor, also known as Mother, brought to light. Ever since she mentioned it, I have now heard it numerous times. It has driven me to the brink of hysteria and, in the process, sparked some creative blood to shoot through the veins. Hence, I have a new column for your reading pleasure. Aren't you lucky?

You see, the ramifications of this particular social fopaux could, quite possibly, lead to the disintegration of mankind, as we know it.

How was that for an attention-grabbing intro? Believe me, it's all downhill from here, so be ready for a snooze fest.

The topic of the week has to do with those pesky “Grammar Gremlins,” once again.

I simply don't understand why those in the know, such as televisions personalities, political figures and the like, cannot grasp the very basics of the English language.

OK, I've blathered on long enough, in an attempt to keep you interested. Therefore, I shall launch into the point.

The misplacement of the word MYSELF is what has caused dear Mother to raise her dainty voice in protest. It has also led her to drag me into this quagmire of craziness.

It's not the word, itself, of course. It is, however, the placement of said word in the wrong area of a statement. Suddenly, MYSELF has decided to push forward in line and take its unlawful place at the beginning of a sentence.

For clarity, since the above-mentioned was about as clear as a pubescent teen's face, here is an example of something one might hear in this day and age: “Myself and Agent Tibedeaux were the first on the scene of the carnage.” As you all know, since you are super brilliant members of society, the sentence should go something like this: “Agent Thibodeaux and I were the first on the scene of the carnage.” Wasn't that super easy? Doesn't that have a more elegant flow? Do you want to murder me in cold blood and call in Agent Thibodeaux? Sorry, I digressed a touch for dramatic reasons.

This MYSELF trend has gotten totally, not partially, out of control. I now hear this jazz on news programs, on soap operas, during interviews of various dignitaries and in every walk of life. Why is this unfolding? Is it something fairly new? How can MYSELF be so bold as to think that it can simply cut in line? The chutzpah of it all is too much.

Inching away from the condition known as Myself Madness, here's another example of grammar insanity. “Me and my wife invite you to join us on a cruise...” That was actually stated by some television-news-type in the not so distant past. Mind you, it was uttered by a real, live reporter, which is better than a fake, deceased correspondent, but, I digress, again. I'm sure you realize that he should have said, “My wife and I...”

Then there is the infamous usage of I, which might go something like this: “Join Sam and I as we explore the intricacies of fruit fly breeding, on the next episode of Science is Fun.” It should be “Sam and me,” but you already knew that because you can speak the language of the land.

As I've stated many times in columns gone by, I do not claim to be a total expert on all matters of a grammatical nature. I know that I make mistakes galore. However, and you knew that word was coming, I am just some loon from Conneaut Lake PA who/whom was lucky enough to stumble into a weekly rant space in the local paper. I'm not appearing on television, for example, which is something for which we can all be thankful.

I don't think we have to sound like the Royal Family, across the pond, but we should at least grasp the very basics when it comes to me, myself and I.

In closing I shall say that the above-mentioned issues are all errors up with which I simply will not put. How was that for impeccable usage? Actually, the proper way sounds really goofy. I will stick with, “I won't put up with it.” Go ahead and call the Grammar Patrol and have me jailed. Calm down. You don't have to be so elated about my impending incarceration.