2014 pipe dreams

For my first column of the new year, I have decided to actually pen something original. Good gravy, I didn't mean to cause a collective fainting spell across the reading area. Please, remove yourselves from all floors, fainting couches and any other surfaces that just broke your falls. There we go... Good job.

I shall now plow forward with some sort of supposed attention-grabbing and deeply entertaining gobbledygook, at this time.

Last year, and perhaps even prior to, several topics, catchphrases and/or plain old irritating blather filled the air. This is an attempt, on my part, to compose a list of things which I could live without hearing and/or seeing, in 2014.

I just might throw in some topics that I dig, as they thrill me to no end. We shall see how the mood goes. No promises, of course.

The first on the list would be hearing the word “twerking.” Additionally, I'd like to refrain from viewing such shenanigans, as well. For those of you who do not know about it, I refuse to describe the gesture in this space. Just phone a friend, poll the audience or utilize the Internet for the definition. One clue: Miley Cyrus lives for performing the “twerk” on stage. In doing so, she looks about as sexy as Sponge Bob Square Pants pole dancing. Does that clear it up for you? Erase the T word from 2014. Thank you very much.

Another list maker would be the words Obama and Care used in ANY proximity to one another. I realize I wrote a column pertaining to the Obama Care madness so, I won't go on. I will just say that I honestly don't even want to hear a sentence like this: “Some say that Obama doesn't care about the family dog.” See, even though O and C aren't directly next to each other, the words have been so overused and abused that I can't take it, even if they are country neighbors. Whew, thanks for listening.

Since 2014 is a midterm election year for various officials, I wish to voice my opinion about some words that should be banned from exiting the lips of any politician. These words are more irritating to me than bathing in Ajax Cleanser with a splash of bleach. OK already, here they are: Family Values. I'm totally over it, as I used to utter daily when I was a twenty-something.

Are we really supposed to believe that anyone in public office possesses one iota of FV? Plus, just whose values, in particular, are we to embrace? Also, what is the true definition of family values? Once those questions are cleared up for me, in the form of a double-spaced, 1,000-word report, which should be placed on my desk by Friday, I might revisit the whole FV scenario. Until then, enough of preaching family values across the land. I'm afraid now so, hold me.

Backing away from the subject above and moving swiftly to another, I could be a happy woman in 2014, if massive apology seminars would cease. Allow me to clarify, like you have any say in the matter.

I am appalled, filled with ire, mad as the land down under, (not Australia) and other descriptions of being really upset, that certain folks seem to be in the “I'm waiting to be offended” aisle of the local supermarket. Every other week Person A anxiously anticipates his/her chance to fake phony outrage over words spoken by Person B. After Person A is adequately upset, he then demands that Person B grovel for a while. I bet you can conjure an example, or two, from 2013.

Bringing it around to a household gripe, I would like to 86 the following sentence: “We don't have anything to eat.” Clearly, this is oft' stated by the younger generation and it really grates on my last surviving nerve ending. Our kitchen could be brimming with homemade stews, soups and other edibles and still, my kid would exclaim that there is nothing on which to nibble. Plus, I don't know if this happens in your abode but, why do people think that opening the fridge and freezer repeatedly will miraculously lead to more foodstuffs being located within? This is something on which to ponder in the wonderful new year.

I had finished this piece but then remembered yet another plague that has me in an uproar. This would be something that has infested the written word for way too long and it must end right now.

I loathe reading an article, column, book, etc., and seeing exclamation points at the end of every, stinkin' sentence. What is the deal? Allow me to elaborate. This mark should only be used when the writer wants to impart a truly intense emotion. We don't need these to appear at the end of every statement.

Please, for the love of sentence structure, break off all relations with this !!!!!! as soon as possible.

I've heard that there is a terrific rehab center for those who feel compelled to utilize this mark more frequently than is socially acceptable. It's called EMRCOA, which stands for Exclamation Mark Rehab Centers of America. Seek help pronto, if you have the overwhelming urge to litter your work with this: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I must list at least ONE thing that I adore and would gladly embrace in this new year. I can't get enough of the Mayor of Toronto, Rob Ford, insanity. For those who are not familiar, first off, have you been in a vegetative state for the past few months?? Anyhow, this guy is a classic punchline. He admitted to toking on a crack pipe but only because he was three sheets to the wind due to massive alcohol intake, at the time.

This dude is walking fodder-for-a-column and I thoroughly adore him. Did you know that since he confessed to his sins, his approval ratings have soared? Well, they did and that might give you a clue about the mental health of our great white north friends.

Now that I've spread total love and joy over western Crawford County, I think I should sign off. Even though I'm an equal opportunity offender, I feel that some of the above-mentioned nonsense could lead to mast chastisement and column boycotting. Therefore, I'm ducking, running and declaring that I'm legally insane and am not responsible for my actions.

Happy New Year and THE END.