The column that was supposed to be about something but wasn't

I'm beginning with a brief side bar, (I adore side bars), pertaining to blather from the paper dated February 18.

Aunt Liz, in her regular morning fashion, was perusing another publication and came across an item related to the column, from that issue.

For those who did not read the rant, I refuse to bore you with a huge recap. (Geez, I felt a strong wind sweep across the land, from the sighs of relief, no doubt.) I will just impart a few sentences, for catch up purposes.

Scratch those thoughts right this minute. I've decided to give this brevity thing a shot. I've heard that one can actually state points of view, etc., in a swift manner. Shocking, lurid and true, I know.

Honestly, I will attempt this new concept. (Say, I just noticed that “catch up purposes,” which I typed a few sentences ago, kind of reminds me of ketchup—you know, the stuff that goes with mustard. Clearly, this is going to be one of those all-over-the-map-type-columns.)

Here is the speedy recap, which was promised several hundred words ago. Two children were punished and suspended from school. One was due to his use of a non-gun, that he formed with his fingers. The other child threw air into nothing, while pretending to save the world, and was also reprimanded.

For the whole story, please visit a computer near you and type in: From there, click on “Lisa's Rants and Raves,” located on the left. End of summary.

Well, dig this one. AL read aloud, for all to enjoy, that a kindergarten girl was at the bus stop and told some of her fellow students that she was going to shoot them, with her “Hello Kitty” soap bubble toy. For this, she found herself in a heap of trouble, at her school. Thankfully, some kind of agreement was made and she avoided a prison term.

How was that for a total recap, and a new story, in just two paragraphs? I'm so proud, I could burst.

Since you asked, here are my final thoughts on the situation. Undeniably, we are raising a bunch of total hooligans. I mean really, everything from soap weapons to the old thumb and finger are being utilized to terrorize the 7 and under group.

This must cease. So must my total sarcasm, as we all know that I find the non-weapon, (which is declared to be a weapon), situation to be a blob of bovine excrement.

I'm now moving on to something else, but I just had to continue, from last time, since these news items seem to be dominating the AP, (Associated Press), as of late.

This week's real topic is kind of silly, but when isn't it, really? It is about Aunt Liz, (AL), and others, who/whom carry out the bizarre behavior that will, eventually, be described below.

See, we have a PVR from Armstrong Cable, as I've indicated, casually—and in passing, of course, in this space, from time to time. Therefore, we are able to tape shows, pause live TV, etc.

Well, sometimes if I have something to say, that isn't “remotely” pause-worthy, I will whisper it to AL. In other words, if I have a quick statement like, “I'm running over to Mother's,” I will use a super faint tone.

My low voice actions save her from fumbling for the pause button and accidentally hitting another part of the apparatus, which changes the channel or reprograms the entire television.

You may have picked up on the fact that AL has some problems with items of an electronic nature. She can perform the same task every day, over and over again and, by the next day, I have to lead her through the dreaded maneuvering of the remote lesson, for the 854th time.

I don't know what it is about AL, which is a loaded statement in itself. The woman could probably drop a transmission, out of a car, and rebuild it but, hand her a remote control devise and she becomes almost delusional.

OK, really, I wasn't going to go off on a tangent about AL and her lack of technological abilities.

What I wanted to state was this. Every time I do the little whisper deal, to save the television accessory from possibly exploding, she does not answer in a low voice.

I oft' practically mime the above-mentioned Mother sentence, and she answers with a full blast, booming voice, just like any other normal conversation. Now that I ponder, she is even louder than usual when she replies to my game of charades.

I've told her several times that I speak in hushed tones, as to not disturb her favorite programs. That is my purpose, at any rate, but, she doesn't quite comprehend and talks back, so to speak, using a thunderous tone.

I'm only attempting to be extra adorably sweet and not interfere with her favorite television programming, which consists of game shows, by the by.

How anyone can view those ridiculous forms of entertainment (?) is beyond me. I just don't understand the joy that Person A derives from observing Person B win total money, while Person A dwells in a shoebox and barely scrapes by, financially speaking. Did I just digress? I believe I did.

Not only but, I'm sure I've offended a ton of citizens who live for humans dressing in funny costumes and/or clapping every time a letter is mentioned—the never ending applause would be during “Wheel of Fortune,” just in case you wondered.

I flat-out refuse to perform the apology act this time, like I did before. I'm tired of tiptoeing around eggshells, cats with long tails, and the like, when I express my OPINION that game shows are dumb, for one example. There, I said it. I don't like game shows, as they are stupid. Wow, this feels good. Oh, I don't mind Jeopardy though. This has nothing to do with the supposed theme of this column and I must exit the train bound for Digressionville, pronto.

I'm heading back to the topic of responding to a person with a megaphone, after she has spoken in sign language.

This doesn't just happen between AL and your humble columnist. I bet that you, too, have encountered those who/whom have shaken chandeliers when responding to something that you've murmured under your breath—you know, something you've said in private.

What I'm trying to say is that sometimes, we, as living creatures, might not want everyone to hear what the topic of conversation might be. We might turn to a friend and softly say something, (possibly derogatory about a fellow shopper's hair do), only to be met with: “YES! HER HAIR LOOKS LIKE A ROOSTER!!”

The above-mentioned isn't exactly like what happens during the trying-to-be-nice-and-not-hamper-AL's-TV-viewing-pleasure. It is simply another example of the alleged theme of this preposterous piece.

Alright, I'm coming clean. There is no thesis involved with this jumbled mess of paragraphs. Something tells me that I really didn't need to confess. I tried but, now that I've read it several times over, there is no big bow tying it all together. It's more like an explosion of words and ideas which landed, haphazardly, in this paper.

However, it will just have to do for the week. Maybe, I said, MAYBE, next time, I will aim for a concise, clean and totally together rant, or rave. (I'm sorry but I might not be able to do that because, just typing the words made me laugh so violently, that it caused coffee to spew forth, from my mouth, and land all over my keyboard region. Am having trouble finishing up...)