Once again life finds me at the same state park where my son and I stayed a few weeks ago. You might recall when I last penned a piece from this region, I was cuddled in a hammock, enjoying the cool, yet clear, weather.

Well, unfortunately, I cannot say the same for this trip as the hammock hasn't emerged from its resting place.

See, I am writing this, out of sheer boredom, from my tent as I take in hour number 14 of a steady rain plinking wildly against my gigantic tarp.

(I realize that “plinking” isn't really a word but it should be because it best describes the sound so, just pretend that it's a part of our vernacular and indulge me. Thank you—Wait! I just happened to perform a Google search and guess what? It IS a unit of language but it has to do with informal target shooting with the use of tin cans. This has made my weekend and that should give you an idea of how desperate I am at this point.)

Inching forward now, I really don't mind a touch of mist during a camping gig but, when I can't even enjoy a campfire, I become rather agitated, to put it tenderly. That is the case as we speak, or as I type.

Last night I was at least able to sit by a fire and then, due to the rain picking up just a bit, I moved to my “front porch,” (which would be under the tarp, of course), where I could spy the fire and read a book.

By the way, this column has nothing to do with camping or the current predicament in which I find myself. Have you noticed? However, I know that by now you are abundantly aware that I always have to set the stage prior to actually coming to some kind of point.

The theme of this week's piece actually has to do with money, or, to be more clear, money owed.

My boss and I got to babbling on the phone the other day about some outstanding accounts. To use a cliché, bill collecting is not my department at all. The chief does, obviously, share information pertaining to which venues to add to the infamous “Do not Call List.”

All of those owners out there who are in debt to this paper may exhale as I will not be utilizing this space to list the names of those who are behind.

During the course of the conversation with the chief, we discussed a person, from about a year ago, who became a brand new client after I approached him about promoting his offerings in our stunning newspaper.

I imparted the total, not partial, details about one of our more cost-effective ad packages, that we call the *Business Directory.

I like to propose this, to newbies especially, because it runs for ten weeks straight. This keeps the name of the establishment out there, so to speak, with regularity. Plus, the price is right.

Since we are published weekly, the advertisement, (read that last word with an English accent, if you would, to jazz up this piece a touch), is displayed ten times.

See how proficient I've become in terms of mathematical equations all due to this job? Uh, sarcasm was totally woven throughout the math bragging part. I must come clean.

At any rate, I recall checking back with this guy, (I don't even want to use the word “gent,” as I oft do), for a renewal when the ten week time-span had run the course. This is protocol, except for when I neglect to flip my ad list, from ten weeks prior, over, thereby missing several renewal calls. I digress, as is protocol as well.

I would be very delighted to move ahead but I've become hypnotized due to the CONSISTANT sound of precipitation pelting my tarp, causing me to lose concentration, which I know is so very unlike me. In other words, be prepared for the word “digress” more than ever.

OK, I think I've pulled myself out of the rain daze now and will continue.

I called this person, whom I shall now label, “DA,” (Deadbeat Advertiser, or some other words that might work. You conjure something, I know you can do it), for a renewal.

Generally, the businessman/woman on the other end of the phone either utters a simple yes, or no, and might ask about the expiration date.

Not DA. I had barely spit out the words, “Community News” when he leaped on me, like a wild pony, and declared that not one person had responded to his ad.

Mind you, DA doesn't have a run-of-the-mill kind of operation as it is quite specialized. What I'm trying to say is he doesn't own a restaurant, day care center or something “ordinary,” so, not getting a call wouldn't be that unusual for what he had to offer.

I told him I was sorry to hear about that and explained that if I personally knew of anyone who might need his services, I would send them his way.

I did not press for a renewal as that is not my sales method. I'm low pressure. Either you do, or you don't, want to advertise. I might offer a deal or something but clearly, DA wanted no part of this, period.

Well, I guess because he did not receive any hits from his time in our publication, this gave him free license to simply ignore the invoice for payment. Yes, you read that right. DA has never given the boss one dime and I totally know his reasoning, which is insane, and that is that since no one called, he shouldn't have to pay.

Is it just me or do you find this to be appalling to the max? Now, would DA use this same logic if, for example, he used his charge card to buy a generator, (this is the first thing that comes to mind as I'd like one about now to run a furnace in this tent), and never used it? “Well, that bad storm never hit and I sold the generator so, I am not paying for it,” might be his warped deduction.

I can just see the credit card company going along with that sheer nonsense but, this is the rational of some people.

Stepping away from DA, have you ever noticed that oft when a certain human being owes you money, he becomes highly agitated when asked for a payment? It's totally “bass ackwards,” as the saying, but not the spelling, goes.

I was in the apartment management industry, (not sure if industry is the right word but, guess what....I digress), in Houston for a few years. I became the assistant manager of a 384 unit complex in which I also lived, but that is another story for another time.

My main job duty was the collection of rent and filing in court if necessary. I've heard every excuse in the book and have been the target of pure ire, hatred and disgust because the tenant owed ME the dough. (More accurately, he/she would have actually been in debt with the company that I represented and yes, I digress.)

Why is this? Why do people get mad at YOU when they are the ones who owe you the cash? It should be the other way around.

On a slightly different note, how unusual of me, I've had people borrow brand new items from me and act like they wanted to carve my liver when I gently reminded them that I needed my ___________ (think of something catchy here), back as soon as possible.

All we ask at the newsroom is for some effort to be made. Send a check for $20 every other week or something but don't refuse to pay because your ad didn't work, for crying in a bucket.

Please don't avoid my calls because you haven't paid. Simply make contact with my boss as he WILL work with you. Tell me and I will get word to him for you if you are timid about this.

As I said earlier, it's not my department and the chief only uses the Do Not Call List as a last resort. 99% of the time, I have no clue who has paid what, when and how.

On the other side of the coin, I have many advertisers who are super concerned when they get behind and I explain to them that as long as they are cutting checks here and there, the boss will not put them on the dreaded list.

The chief is kind enough to take folks at their word. We do not have contracts and new clients don't even have to pay in advance. For this, he's frequently met with people, like DA, who just simply do not give him a cent for services rendered.

I'm floored over this whole deal and can feel my blood pressure elevating with each stroke of the keyboard.

Heck, it even slipped my mind that it's raining, I'm trapped in a 10 by 10 enclosure and I'm a touch claustrophobic.

OK, the above sentence just produced a rude awakening within me. I must sign off and escape this ^$#@! tent. I shall wade out to the van and try to rustle up some vittles, as they say out here in the wilderness. (A PA State Park, mind you.)

Bottom line: Don't make goofy excuses and, for crying out loud, if you owe someone money, don't become upset with her for asking about it.

Now, a charming message to all deadbeat advertisers: Send a payment to my dear chief. Make arrangements of some sort. We won't ban you from appearing in the paper in the future. We will work hand-in-hand with you on this and there is no need to be afraid. Just pick up the telly and give him a call: 814-683-4841.

With that, I'm off as I now have my water wings blown up and am ready for action.

THE END

*For more info on this fabulous money-saving-advertising-deal-of-the-century, aka the Business Directory, please contact our advertising representative, Lisa Houserman. Ever heard of this chick? Phone: 814-382-2293, AFTER 9 AM; Email: houserman46 [@ sign here]gmail.com