Well, well, will miracles never cease as I am submitting yet another original column. Some of it might sound a touch familiar but only because I've chatted about the subject in the past. I assure you though, this is a whole new grab bag of bitterness.

This time, I am literally composing whilst hanging between two trees, in my heavenly hammock, over at the End of the Road Campground, in alluring Linesville PA.

I think there might be a mythical recipe, when it comes to outdoor living, that works on my gray cells, resulting in a few ideas being pried from the brain, crowbar style. You know, add one part tree sap with two parts mosquito repellent, throw in a pinch of sweat and, presto, some sort of sentence structure is likely to occur.

On the other hand, it could possibly be the medication but, I shall give Mother Nature the credit this time.

This week, I thought I'd go on and on about something that kind of grates on my nerves—I'm sorry but I had to interrupt myself as there are two woodpeckers on a tree right now pecking wildly. Can you dig it? Hold on, I have to get my camera...

I'm back and have filmed the event. Anyhow, I wanted to broach the subject of telephone manners and/or a lack thereof.

The other day, I received one of those calls for pre registration at the Meadville Medical Center.

The chick who called was rambling on so quickly that I would barely say, “yes,” and she'd bound in with another question. I finally had to stop the insanity and pronto.

She asked if I had such and such insurance and I began to answer: “Yes, bu..” which stood for, “Yes, but...” and she just launched forward, full throttle, without allowing me to explain about said insurance.

I finally said, “Look, you're plowing ahead without listening to my full answers.” Without an apology from her end, I proceeded to give her the insurance info.

I realize these people do the same things day in and day out but, they must learn to actually listen, really listen, to the person on the other end.

OK, this next item will kind of go against the grain of everything we've been taught as phone users.

We were all schooled to say, “May I ask who is calling,” in the old days. I know I was, at any rate.

Well, I guess there isn't anything hideously wrong with that but, it can kind of hurt the feelings of the caller and here is why.

There are times when I call a person, for an ad just for one example, and the secretary—Oops, I mean administrative professional, says that, indeed, the person is available for phone banter.

She, or he, (we mustn't assume that all phone people in offices are women as that would be wrong on so many levels, and yes, I am being sarcastic), THEN asks who is calling. Well, once I say, “Lisa Houserman,” then, all of the sudden, the person, with whom I needed to present my sales pitch, has, mysteriously and magically, disappeared from the office, the building, the city, or the country, for that matter.

I don't really care for this jazz and I'm not sure why people think that I actually fall for it either.

I'm going to use the name Jane for this next part because I'm tired of saying “the person.”

I just find it to be quite supernatural that Jane is literally in her cubical, one minute, and then, poof, is gone as soon as the name Lisa Houserman is spoken. Hmm, what is the deal here? (Mind you, I am a super low pressure salesperson. Seriously, just ask anyone if I've ever been pushy in terms of peddling ads. I reserve that mean stuff for this column and everyday banter, not for sales.)

The office worker, (I best use that description), will cheerfully declare, “oh yes, Jane is standing right here,” and then will come back with a statement indicating that Jane is just super, duper busy and couldn't possibly come to the phone now, or maybe ever.

Sometimes Office Worker has the chutzpah to refrain from pressing the hold button. I can then hear Jane receiving the information that it is Lisa Houserman from the Community News. I might, at that point, catch wind of some murmuring escaping from the lips of our dear Jane.

WARNING: I'm taking a hard left and will veer off subject for a bit.

First off, I don't know why people are so very worried about simply saying that they cannot purchase an ad at this time. I'm OK with it. Honestly I am. I understand that the economy isn't the greatest or that there is only so much in the advertising fund or whatever. I can take no for an answer, and especially if it is given in a hostile-free way.

There is no reason for Jane to hide under her desk from me so, knock it off Jane, would you?

The only time I get kind of miffed is when people claim that they just couldn't spend one dime on anything, period. The next day rolls around and I innocently open a large daily paper, to discover an ad, from Mr. I Couldn't Possibly, that could, very well, be spotted from the space shuttle.

Another thing is when a proprietor wants the community to support his/her business and encourages area citizens to explore local stores but, and here is a big one, Ms. Proprietor wouldn't place an ad in her LOCAL paper to save her life. This would be the very same local paper that specifically covers the area in which her business is located. Hold me!

I told you, a few paragraphs up, that I was going to digress but, what would this column be if I didn't do so at least ONE time during a spiel?

Also, clandestine identities like using, “him, her, she, he, Ms. and Mr.,” have all been altered to prevent the guilty from receiving a diagnosis of chronic neck pain, due to hanging heads in total shame. (In other words, sometimes “he” might really be “she” and so forth. Aren't I clever?)

Honestly, I don't think there is much concern when it comes to snubbing this fantastic paper, which possesses superior ad rates.

There, I've officially offended someone, or many, in sticking with my new rules set in motion last week. I'm sure Mother is brimming with pride.

OK, back to business with one last phone related rant. This would be that special someone, from a company, who seems to believe that being testy and nasty are both excellent phone retrieving qualities.

For instance, I made a call the other day to a business that is open for more than the regular 9 to 5 hours. Well, it was about 7 at night and a “gent,” I hesitate to even call him that, barked out that Jane, (I love using Jane again), leaves work at 5 every day.

Now, he said this in a manner that is utilized by some, including my dear Perpetual, (fiance), on occasion. This would be the “Why in the *&%$ are you asking me this since you CLEARLY already know,” method of conversing.

That is the infamous tone that this guy possessed. Like, gee, you stupid broad, you already KNOW that Jane works just until 5, so why are you asking.

He ended by roaring for me to call in the morning, which I did not. If the boss cannot locate a personable phone handler, what a request, to catch calls, from time to time, then forget the address, as Mother would say.

In closing, I'm going to offer a bit of credit in terms of the top phone answering techniques that I've encountered. I listed these a few years back and I don't think they've changed since then but, I could be mistaken.

These are in no real order: Ray's Marketplace, Linda Oliver's Insurance Agency, Master Feed and Grain and Lakeside Beauty Salon. Everyone should call these establishments and memorize the way in which the exchange unfolds.

That, in fact, is your assignment until next time. With that, I'm off to photograph a darling squirrel that is leaping, like a Wallenda, from branch to branch, as we speak.

THE END.

P.S. I'm sorry in advance for any investigative kind-of-calls the above-mentioned businesses might receive, due to my assignment.

Also, in sticking with my column from last time, I must say that just because your shop didn't make my list does not mean that phone manners are lacking by your telly specialists. No OFFENSE but, I simply couldn't list every place deserving of a gold star. Therefore, I had to go with the four which are consistently wonderful.

This really is the end now as a precious giraffe just sauntered into the campground and I must film him.

OK, that was a dozing off test and I hope you scored high.