Help! Help! I need a responder! No, you silly geese, I don't mean a responder of the EMT kind. I mean a person who actually acknowledges words I have uttered in his or her general direction.

You see, I spend most of my days now in the company of dear Aunt Liz, (AL). She is a fabulous addition to this exceptionally dysfunctional family but, she does have her, shall I say, quirks.

I warned you that I was going to impart some zany antics pertaining to our new, and comatose, tenant in a future column and, that day has arrived with speed and agility.

So, for once, my delicate mother and my darling Perpetual, (fiance), have both been released from the bondage that is this column.

Back to the first idiosyncrasy, and there are plenty, let me tell you, pertaining to AL. She is, what we call in “Lisa World,” a “non responder.”

She is the type of person who, after I've unloaded a simply captivating tale, in 3,589 words or less, says absolutely nothing. Nada. Not a word. Dead silence. I'm running out of ways to describe a sense of total quiet. Oh, there's another word.

Just so you understand, I could burst through the door, throw my things violently onto a chair, frantically shake my way out of a bulky coat and then proceed to prattle on for 10 minutes straight, about a simply enchanting subject, of course, only to hear dead air. Can one really hear dead air? I digress.

After a while, she might, just might, look out from behind her folded up crossword section, which has been strategically posed within an inch of her squinting eyes, long enough to say something totally off subject like, “I need a 7 letter word that means 'to reply or answer in words.'” (In case that slipped by you, the answer to that crossword clue is RESPOND.)

This kind of scenario happens frequently and when I press her on it, she always says, “I heard you.” Well, how about making a peep to let me know that you heard me. Is that asking too much?

Now, I do realize that I tend to go on but, please, just fake it. For instance, I could rage on about something hideous that unfolded during a township meeting, just for one far out example since those meetings are always simply fabulous, and after finishing, no words would exit her lips. Not even a murmur, or an “Uh Huh” would escape from her face.

I mean, even Mother has the common decency of at least feigning an interest by pulling the old “Uh Huh card” from time to time. Well, mostly all of the time but, as I said, she is off limits this week, and this week only, mind you.

In terms of AL, I have now taken to just playing the parts of both of us. For example, I will say something like, “I think she's (woman on TV) pretty.” After giving her a chance, within a humanly reasonable time frame, I will then say, “Oh, I do too Lisa. Yes, she's very pretty.” Yep, that's how things roll around here these days. When I do something like that, she always laughs and says, (you guessed it), “I heard you!”

I will oft yell out a question, or a comment, from my little work area/sun room/painting region/sewing cubical/arts-and-crafts galore locale, and, in turn, I hear NOTHING back. Not even heavy breathing or partial grunting is heard in return.

Mind you, I am generally separated from AL by a four-foot-high- bookshelf-kind-of-partial-room-dividing-piece-of-furniture, but it does not block sound waves by any stretch. It does, however, lead to using a lot of these - - - in the description.

Anyhow, I just don't know what to think, say, or do about this. I have never, in my many years here on earth, been in so many one-way conversations.

Another excuse AL gives, other than that now infamous, “I heard you” deal, is that of claiming to be thinking. I might say, “Aunt Liz, I'm so upset with Perpetual because he _________ (fill in the blank).” Silence, lull, muteness, noiselessness, peace, quiescence, quiet, quietness, quietude, quietus, reserve, reticence, saturninity, secrecy, sleep, speechlessness, still, stillness, sulk, sullenness, taciturnity and uncommunicativeness all follow. She will then say, “I'm thinking.”

What in the *&%$# does that even mean? I didn't ask the woman to think, I simply unloaded about Perpetual and wanted to be acknowledged in some small fashion after doing so.

(By the by, I copied and pasted all of those words above as they are synonyms of the word, silence. How's that for quick thinking?)

Well, I give up. I guess I'm off to discuss, with myself, what we should do this weekend or what to have for dinner or something. I hope to heck I don't get into a fight with myself again. I just can't take another one of those. Well, wish me well on this journey into total boredom.