ATTENTION: Be on the lookout for a raccoon with gas and blue goo on his little bandit mask. Reason being, this particular varmint got into my camping cooler over the weekend and made off with a vegetarian bean burrito and some cooler gel packs.

It all began when I decided I just had to get away from it all. The hustle and bustle of everyday life with Perpetual (Fiance) was just getting to be too much and going to our “official” camp in the mountains was out of the question.

That is when I came to the conclusion that I, Lisa Houserman, would set out into the great wild all by my little lonesome. I borrowed a tent from a passing kid and began packing for a solo weekend of getting in touch with nature and all of that other camping stuff.

Whilst packing, the entire family watched in amazement as they thought that I might be exiting stage left for good. I don't understand this as I only packed the necessities for crying out loud. The U-Haul guys didn't bat an eye when they arrived to transport it for me, so there.

I began the journey to parts unknown. I hit that open road with a vengeance and a love for the great unknown in my heart. I blew in any direction the wind would carry me, (not easily done in a UHaul). I had no destination in mind and would land where the camping gods placed me. I was free. I was alone and I was ready for the fresh air and solitude.

I finally arrived after a grueling and very lengthy 15 minute drive. There I was, 7 whole miles away from my little home. Yes, I had made it safely to the Pymatuning State Park facilities just outside of Linesville.

I know it's hard to believe that I would travel such a long and dangerous distance from society at large but, I made it safely and settled in for the back-to-nature weekend.

This is when the trouble began. (Not really but it sounded kind of dramatic, so I threw it in for a special effect.)

I did have some issues with dodging the rain drops but came up with, what I thought were, fabulously inventive ways of avoiding claustrophobia whilst trapped inside a 6 X 6 small, cramped, lonely and dark shelter. Just thinking of it gives me chills, but, as usual, I digress.

I've come up with a top ten list of sorts for camping. I hope it will help you when, and if, you decide to battle the elements, face the natural world head on and basically avoid other human beings at all costs, just like I did.

Top Ten List of Essential Camping Gear:

1. Rope. Take rope galore. Even if you don't think you can use it, you must take a plethora along with. A real camper has plenty of rope and that's just the way it is. Also, if worse comes to worse during the camp-out, a noose can be made using said rope.

2. Clothes pins. I've found that these come in handy for just about everything concerning getting out into the wilderness and becoming one with the world. They can be used for many things, least of which would be hanging clothing and bedding out to dry after the tent has blown away in the wind. They also can be attached to the nose in case one encounters the above mentioned flatulence-filled critter.

3. A very heavy, hard cooler with a combination lock. This might keep the animals out but I wouldn't count on it. Those coons wear bandit masks for a reason after all.

4. Two hammocks. That way, when one gets soaked, the other can be used while the original one dries. Also, they can be utilized as a last minute way to form an extended porch roof over the tent. Use the clothes pins to clip it to the tent and some sort of tree branch to keep it upright. This will help when you want to unzip the window in the rain to avoid that closed in feeling.

5. A microwave oven. Now, one must get a campsite with electric in order to work this but, it's well worth the extra cost. A microwave is a must for roughing it in the great wild.

6. Tarps galore. These can be used for many things including replacing the hammock porch when the tree branch fails to stay put in strong winds. Tarps are necessity to the max. One can also use them for privacy by hanging them here and there around the camp. Not sure why, but many folks point, whisper and giggle when they spot a microwave on a picnic table.

7. A mini fridge, like they have in dorm rooms. This also requires electric but, is money well spent. Raccoons are not able to open the doors without help so this could replace the cooler totally.

8. A cell phone. That way, you can receive calls from your mother saying stuff like, “You didn't leave the child any food when you left. That poor dear. What will he eat?” Yeah, on second thought, leave the phone behind.

9. A twin-sized bed. Not just an air mattress but an actual bed, with headboard and frame. The headboard will come in handy by keeping those huge extension cords off the ground in the tent.

GOOD GRAVY! I have to run and have no time for a number 10. I just spied a small blue furry face and some aqua “hands” clutching what appears to be a bean burrito. Oh, no—Yuck! For a little guy, he sure can produce some rather thundering and rank intestinal odors. I'm outa here...