For those expecting that gut splitting laughter that is usually generated by reading this column, you are plain out of luck this time. And yes, I was joking about how I usually cause all in my reading path to roll in the aisles so fiercely that they must change undergarments afterward.

The following is more or less a public service announcement. It is quite important though, (aren't all of my pieces?), and I encourage you to continue reading.

Due to the efforts of some television and radio personalities, many folks in the nation have become quite paralyzed with angst when it comes to filling out that great beast known as the Census Form.

It's not only media celebrities who are causing citizens to cower in bathrooms when a knocks come to doors but, a member of Congress has also thrown gas on the inferno of fright.

Rumors abound as to the questions contained in said form and I'm here to rock you gently and to let you know that there is no reason for alarm. I'm here for you. You are a fighter—Oops, I got carried away with soap opera clichés momentarily. Forgive me if you would.

I have to admit that I did hear some of this fear mongering on the radio during my drives to and fro my underground bunker.

So, when an older gentleman came to my door one day, (I'm amazed that he made it through the booby traps throughout the yard—no, I don't mean land mines, I mean teenager's bikes), I was filled with trepidation.

I stepped outside and answered the questions all the while darting my eyes violently and waiting for the big, black car to enter the driveway. In reality, I should have been more paranoid about hospital officials with white coats in tow.

Moving right along, my concerns were unfounded, of course, as the questions were as basic as, well, for lack of a better description, something very basic.

I got this online and it's pretty much what the gent asked me:

The 2010 Census form is just 10 questions, such as:

• Name

• Sex

• Age

• Date of birth

• Hispanic origin

• Race

• Household relationship

• If you own or rent

The census DOES NOT ask about the legal status of respondents or their Social Security numbers.

Rest assured, the sex question does not mean how often so calm down!

I received an email from a local township secretary who told me that some in her region had not turned in the form. I was actually tickled that she wrote to me because a column was born over the whole thing. As you know, I oft have trouble finding ideas for this space and she was a lifesaver in that respect.

She gave me permission to copy and paste her email into this space in order to impart the importance of filling out the Census information. Here goes:

“I would really like to remind people to be counted! With funding diminishing,, our local governments need all the help we can get and if we get the ACCURATE POPULATION NUMBERS this can help to determine many things for the area.

Available funding for both federal and state grants are based on the population! I’m sure you know this, but there may be some people who don’t understand...”

For those of you who are worried about the government being able to find out what kind of dinner you put on the table tonight, I'm with you. Unfortunately, they probably can already ascertain any and all pertinent, or impertinent, data with the stroke of a computer key.

Purchasing habits from credit cards can be traced with ease and cell phones—don't even get me started.

OK, that does it. My last two paragraphs have caused me much anxiety. I've scared myself. I'm off to the above mentioned, top-secret, underground shelter to shield myself from the black helicopters. My form is filled out so I'm good to go. Wish me well and I might, just might, see you next week, depending...