Hold on to something tightly—not like that as you are wrinkling the paper. We have some new and wonderful products on the market that simply cannot be left off your next shopping list.

Let us travel back in time a bit before I give you the fabulous news you've been awaiting.

In a column, from long ago, I made mention of some of those delightful “As Seen on TV Only” items. You know the ones. They are those that can ONLY be bought from an 800 number television ad, and—and if you purchase this one now, we will not only send you the ONE but, you shall also get two more! That's not all though, as we will throw in a deluxe eyebrow plucker as well. All you do is spend $37.50 extra for shipping.

The now infamous TV items are also the ones, as was mentioned before by your humble columnist, that remarkably bulge from shelves in most area chain stores. So, the word “only” pretty much means “available in many shops,” but, I digress.

Moving along to the moment of truth, these are the two items that I've seen advertised recently, but only when my fast-forwarding-through-commercials feature is not available.

Now, I want you to be prepared for this as it will alter your world in a major way, for decades to come.

The first as shown only on the television, or whatever I called it above, item would be something that aids folks when it comes to the vehicle entering and exiting process.

I totally forget the name of this essential equipment and, really, I'm simply too lazy to investigate at this time.

I will, however, describe it to you until you are totally ready to dash out and purchase one pronto or, until you are ready to run into the dark and dank night whilst signally obscene Italian hand gestures to all in your path. Take your pick.

This object is round and swivels to and fro like a lazy Susan, minus the total spinning factor, as that would be too dangerous. It is supposed to help the driver to whirl about, thereby positioning him in the outward facing mode. In other words, it prevents that poor vehicle operator from having to use his own strength, heaven forbid, in the process of turning, in order to exit the automobile.

Just picture a giant, round, seat covering that rotates in a fashion which enables a person to be totally, rather than partially, lazy.

Now, with all of these types of advertisements, the announcer always makes the everyday, regular, normal task-at-hand, rank up there with some sort of torture. Therefore, you must buy this gadget to help out with said torture in order to make life easier.

As he, or she, is talking up the product, an actor is busily trying to convince you that the original way, (prior to the new method with the use of the TV product), is simply the most hideously problematic undertaking he's ever carried out in his life. (This could be anything from boiling water, to planting tomatoes, depending on the product being pushed.)

Allow me to provide an illustration for clarity, as it is abundantly clear that I need some help imparting this information.

For the above-mentioned twisty seat dealio, (I'm going to call it that for the purposes of this column), the invisible voice might say, “Tired of actually using your own leg power to push yourself toward your driver-side door?”

Mind you, this is being asked as a woman, in perfectly fit condition, is shown attempting to get out of the car. She is having a lot of issues in doing so. In fact, she is having more trouble than anyone has EVER had, in the history of exiting—and that includes when the astronauts used to splash down in that upside down cork-looking-capsule and push that huge door open.

I mean, the seat belt is getting tangled up, pantyhose is being torn to shreds, a lot of grunting and groaning is emitting, a purses is getting lodged in the steering wheel and a general state of upheaval is in full play. All this aerobic activity from simply leaving a vehicle.

The announcer then proceeds to move along to this: “You need the Twisty Seat Dealio!”

At this point, the same woman is gliding gently, yet effectively, through the car exiting scenario. Ah yes. It's like cutting through butter, that's been sitting out on a counter, on a hot summer day.

She swirls around, delicately placing her dainty high-heeled shoe on the ground as she maneuvers her way out of that nasty, big, machine that held her captive until she purchased the, you got it, “Twisty Seat Dealio.”

Are we this silly people? Must we have a tool to aid in every aspect of our lives? Can't we get in and out of cars without calling in the experts?

I'm not sure what the famous “they” will conjure next but, I simply cannot wait and I'm certain that you are at the edge of your seats as well. That is, unless you are perched upon a Twisty Seat Dealio and, in that case, you would be resting on a segment of the circle, rather than on the edge of your seat—or something like that. Look, I'm not a geometry person, OK?

Guess what? I said that there were two items on the list of the must have jazz. Well, I've spent so much time bloviating about the first, that there is simply not enough room for the second.

You shall have to wait just a bit longer before I unveil that other thingamajig that will make your life truly worth living.