I’ve come to the conclusion that weathermen, women and channels, pretty much stink. When they declare that there might be precipitation “on and off,” throughout a particular day, what they most likely mean is that instructions from Noah are in the mail.

An example of such was demonstrated during a recent weekend in which I was forced to exit my tent more times than I entered it, in order to secure a peg from my tarp, upright a tarp pole that had slammed to the ground violently and/or rescue my entire “Lonesome Dove Supplies” trailer from becoming saturated with rain water that had pooled atop the tarp.

Did you notice a running theme in this so far in terms of tarps? Good gravy, I knew I was tarp royalty but, it just hit me how much I rely on these life-saving water haters since I used the word “tarp” a gazillion times already.

Back to the fake weather report, I knew that rain “on and off” was to be expected, due to what the charming experts predicted, but, evidently, the words “on and off” now mean for approximately 20 hours straight. (You should have known that somehow a column that began with a criticism of meteorologists would end up being some goofy saga about a sopping wet camping experience I endured.)

I am moving back to those infamous predictors of all things precipitation, accumulation and humiliation. (The humiliation would be due to fellow campers pointing and laughing at the old fashioned girl in the tent as they peer from their mansions on wheels. More than likely, the elite were transfixed by the woman shaking into her blinding orange rain gear for the tenth time in the past hour. I’m digressing again to camp talk huh?)

Why do we need weather personalities? The guy who gives the forecast in our daily paper in these parts is never right. NEVER, I tell you. Now, Atkins, on JET, is pretty decent but this leads to another question—was there a question in this piece yet?

At any rate, the question is, how can Atkins be right and the newspaper guy be wrong when they are both based in the same city? Does A use real, live instruments of weather prophecy while WG (Wrong Guy) just sticks his head out the window in the morning and maybe licks his finger, thrusts it in the air and waits for some sort of wind direction to be revealed? I just don’t comprehend how this can occur.

Really though, I have touched on this lightly in the past but will revisit the fact that weather people are obsolete. The only time we need them is when there is a severe, life and death kind of situation at hand like a hideous thunder or snow storm, for instance.

Other than that, we don’t need to learn what temperatures are currently being enjoyed or loathed in this or that area town. We don’t have to be filled with gobbledygook about barometric pressure, relative humidity and dew point measurements. What are these things anyway?

The weather report on telly should last for about 3 minutes tops. The teller of atmospheric happenings should simply let folks know about what “might” unfold for the next few days at the most. This should include horrible predictions of high wind, driving rain/snow or other possible harmful events, if need be. The above-mentioned person should also be on stand-by to cut in with weather alerts.

Other than that, with modern technology the way it is, we can all get by without the psychic-like soothsayers we rely upon too much in this day and age.

No offense, and I’m sure much will be taken but, those are my thoughts, feelings and emotions about this whole scenario.

I come by this naturally and we can blame my dead father for it because I can recall, as a youth, hearing him blurt out some of the observations I have penned in this piece.

He too thought it was silly to sit through 20 minutes of updates, such as what the temperature is in some town 15 miles to the west, or whatever.

Well, I’m done. It’s time to take a blow dryer and massive amounts of towels to all of my camping gear due to that spot on accurate weather “forecast” that had me using language best suited for HBO or Showtime at 2 AM whilst draining water from my sea of blue tarps.

Until next time, here is my advice for seeking the truth in terms of weather prediction. Wake up, schlep toward the door, throw said door open, step out, gaze westward, take note of the feeling of either warm or cool air and plan your day accordingly. Good luck.